Way back in the olden days (summer of Aught 07 specifically) I put out a request for blog topics. I’m revisiting the comments I got from that request now.
Today’s request comes to us all the way from sunny Mentor, OH. Jenny asks “is it ok to joke at a funeral? (an essay on when it’s ok to bring out the funny)”
This is unfortunately a timely topic. Monday I attended the funeral for my best friend Scott’s father. With respect to that event, there was levity before the service itself and following it at the memorial meal. Personally I think humor is one of the more powerful coping mechanisms we have available to us. A properly timed and worded joke can short-circuit grief before it can get to that soul-crushing stage.
Looking back to when my dad passed (btw, Happy early Father’s Day, Dad!) I remember how on edge and exhausted and emotionally spent I felt the day of his (unbeknownst to us at the time) final surgery. When the moment came that the end had come, I was overcome with an explosion of negative emotions that had been building that day. Terror, rage, etc. I remember running out of the ward and just starting to punch the wall out of disbelief. Friends and family tried to console me, but for that minute or so, I was just shut off and running on pure emotion.
(inner editor’s voice) *cough* where are you going with this?
Anyway, the emotional wave finally crested and I was able to get myself back under control. The whole family went back out to the waiting room to wait for the next step. We started talking about dad. It’s strange, how many details of that night I can remember, but then some I can’t. Someone made a joke about something dad used to do. it might've been me. regardless, laughing at that point felt so cleansing. I helped ground me and realize that the clock on the wall continued to tick.
I think it’s something similar with respect to a funeral as well. There is a time and place to be one with your grief and let your emotions flow (ok, perhaps not to the wall-punching level, I admit) and to pay your respects. But I think at a certain point in time, grief needs to be reigned in, and humor does a really good job of doing that. It tries to remind us that no matter how terrible of a sorrow we’ve been through, that none of it should discount or lessen the good things that have come before it. I think if we spend too much time grieving that we can sort of “disrespect” those who have passed.
Humor at that point in time needs to be handled by a semi-professional though. You have to wait for the right moment. You don’t want to take attention away from the ceremony. But there comes a time when things have settled enough. There’s a kind of still in the air. Some of the “fringe” relatives and loved ones may have already left, and the “core” loved ones remain. If you time it right, and do it with enough care and love behind it, it can really turn into a joyous situation. I know following my dad’s funeral, my cousins and I got pretty laugh-winded, sharing classic Dad stories. And even joking about things not even related to Dad. Same thing occurred at Scott’s father’s memorial dinner. Like I said above, ….
Wow, great spot to get pulled away by work…Umm…yeah…anyway, no matter how bad we feel at the time of the funeral or memorial or the passing, I see humor as life’s way of reminding us that time keeps on moving along, and we’d best make the best of it while we can.
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