Monday, January 09, 2006

It's over

The Kendrix Situation is officially over. The beard is gone. New Copax is not fully complete yet, but it's more of a state of mind. New Copax is not a destination, it's a new mode of transportation. I'm not quite ready to be New Copax quite yet, but I've officially closed the Kendrix Situation chapter of my life and can put all of my mental efforts into moving forwards with my life.

Do I hurt? yup. Am I gonna cry about it? not likely. Is this gonna haunt me? It shouldn't, and if I let it, it's my own fault and I'll need to handle that myself.

I'm gonna be 30 in 13 days. I'm not happy with where my life is right now at 30. My 31st year on this planet will be one of many changes. I can now safely say that I'm no longer making these changes for anyone but myself. I'm doing them because of the Kendrix Situation. Not because her spotlight way of highlighting my negatives qualities sank in. But because she made me realize that the one person I need to make happy is me. I can't spend my life making other people happy. especially those who can't accept anything less than perfection. I've got goals set for what needs to happen this year, and if I meet some of them, that's fucking awesome. If I meet them all, I'll be scared that I've let other things sacrifice. Perfection is not a goal, it's a fault. I want positive changes, positive energy, and positive results. Nothing quantified. Just positive.

More tidbits learned from the Kendrix situation:
1. Acceptance does not equal settling
2. Positive effort is worthwhile and should be celebrated, not belittled
3. If someone doesn't love me for who I am right now, that's their problem to change, not mine
4. I have a powerful support network that cares about me more than I could've possible imagined.
5. Dating/relationships are real and gritty and not perfect and not always sunny, but I have faith that I will find love again someday. And when I do find it, I will realize that what I thought was love will pale in comparison.

so that's it. I'm tired. I have to go back to work tomorrow, after being off for 4 days for dad's heart attack. l8r