Friday, April 18, 2008


Taking a break from my content as of late to post this video...I'm amazed

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Optimism (Anxiety Part 2)

Where does Optimism come from? what gives some people the ability to see something that's still formative, new, or unknown as a potential success? Are we born with optimism as a child and can lose it as we grow into adults? I really don't know how to answer those. I look back, and I have a hard time seeing whether or not I've been an optimistic person. I think as time went by and "bad" things happened to me (and by bad I just mean unfavorable or difficult or trying) my natural anxious tendencies kicked in. But I don't know. maybe optimism is too black/white of a concept? maybe optimism isn't what I should be striving for, but just realism. trying to take a rational view of the future, and accepting that some things could go bad or good, and give them equal weighting. I'll edit/post again when I think of more.

Update: Good comment from Glittergirl..."i think folks like us are more sensitive to stuff, and it's hard at times, but it's also a gift. we see a lot of beauty in things others miss."

This kind of highlights my point but not in the way she intended. That statement, at it's core, is one of positivity. Calling it a "gift" and being able to see the "beauty" in things. I had to stop and think for a second, because that's not I would see it at first. What is different about her brain, her experiences, her life, and my own, that leads us to those different viewpoints? We've both been through hardships in our lives, so it can't be that. Maybe she wants to believe that more than I do? Something about her allows her to appreciate the positive side of things. Maybe those of us with the "worry gene" as she put it over time develop the ability to say "fuck it" and take away some of the worry gene's important or effect?

Something else I've thought of is that I may have gotten my hopes too high early on in life and those unrealistic expectations were dashed enough times to make me "gun-shy" to having even realistic or rational expectations. Somewhere along the line I got hooked on the idea that good things happen to good people. I wish I could remember when and where I got that concept and in what context, because I think that's been a big problem for me. I think my negativity towards the future and the unknown is a mix of frustration that I'm not getting what I "deserve" for having done the "right" things in my life, and too many dashed unrealistic hopes that led me to make the deduction that hopes and dreams generally get dashed...

I dunno. Will post more as thoughts come to mind.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


So, I had an anxiety attack this week. I've started seeing someone new. Things were going pretty darn well at the start, better than most of my previous relationships have started. But I still ended up having an anxiety attack. As I've done before, I let my mind wander and get caught up in the emotions of the moment, and started to project into the future. For some reason, the future to me is full of fear and potential disappointment. I'm not sure why I do it. I'm hoping that by typing out this blog post that maybe I'll get a glimmer of a clue. Anyways, I started projecting to the future that we're going to end up in a relationship, and that I'm not going to feel as strongly about her as she feels about me, and that I'm going to have to disappoint her and hurt her feelings or break her heart. I flipped out and nearly ended the relationship. We were able to talk and I let her know about some of my problems, and I think things are better now. But the stigma's still there. So, why can't I be optimistic about the future? I can't control what's going to happen, but I also can't expect things to go wrong. I dunno. Anyways,I'm going to take a break for now. I'll write a follow-up later or in the morning.

Update #1: Whitey makes a great point in his comment "The only thing I can tell you is that after I faced the scary moments, wether they turned out in my favor or against, I didn't have to be afraid anymore. It was over..." That initial hurdle for me feels insurmountable somedays. When it's something I have to face alone, I buckle. If it's something I'm doing in a social situation with people I feel comfortable with, I have more strength inside, or I don't give a shit nearly as much about how things will turn out. when I'm on my own, I lose faith in myself, or I fear the outcomes too much. More updates to come as things pop into my head