Friday, January 06, 2006

I'm being tested (long rambling insomniac post) aka A Trip Inside the Head of copaX

Got a call from mom at 10:15 this morning that she took dad to the emergency room with chest pains. I spent most of the day after that at the hospital with the family. He's doing ok last we saw him at 7. No pain anymore. They're keeping him overnight and going to have him do a stress test and an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to make sure everything's ok. Wasn't how I intended to end this week. Thanks for the little test, whoever's in charge up there!

I'm either numb from everything that's gone on the last couple of weeks, or I'm getting better at managing my anxiety, because I didn't flip out today. I felt it starting to come on before I left the office, but I got my stuff together, sent off an email on the big project I'm on and just left. I didn't race down to the hospital, I drove at a sane speed. So, if this is somebody's way of testing me, you can take your test and shove it up your ass. I'm fucking done flipping out over shit I can't control. As my new motto for life goes "The anxiety my family has bred for years dies with me"

Also, for those who haven't seen me since before the holidays, I haven't shaved since new year's. I'm going into a cocoon, as I'm calling it. I've got the full on amish beard going right now. I'm not going to trim it. I'm not going to shape it. It's just going to keep growing. Once a final decision has been reached in the Kendrix Situation and I can finally get some closure, the full amish beard will come off and the new copaX will emerge. Better get out of the way when new copaX gets here. I can't speak for him, obviously, but I get the sense that he's gonna be better focused, he's gonna have more confidence, he's gonna not give as much of a shit about what people think. But like I said, new copaX is still being developed in his cocoon as we speak. Old copax is dying, to be reborn in the form of new copaX. I probably sound like I'm rambling a bit, but I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I feel like I've lived years in the past 2 months. I've gone back to IM logs from before the Kendrix Situation began, and it feels like the things that happened then actually occured years ago. I've been in a sensory deprivation chamber for the past two months. I've been stuck in a time loop. I've been on the show Big Brother with no contact to the outside world.

My pessimism keeps washing over me in waves lately. Seems that mornings and evenings are bad times for me. Middle of the day I can push it down enough to function. I wake up in the morning and can barely move. Not from anything physical, just don't wanna move. Late at night when I'm trying to wind down and my brain starts to slow down, that's when the Kendrix Situation creeps back in. I'm getting closer to being ready to put an end to this "break" we're on. We haven't had any contact since I walked out of her house on New Year's Day morning and she sent me a txt message on monday night. But I don't want to give up the high ground I feel like I've finally achieved in this so-called relationship. I want her to contact me. I want her to miss me. I want her to realize that she pissed me off enough that I didn't feel like contacting her this week. Not out of anything vindictive, but I just for once want her to see my side of things. I want to know that the glimmer of hope that I've had for the past few weeks that there's some compassion and understanding in that woman wasn't misguided. But then again, the other side of me just wants her to get pissed off at me for not contacting her, so it can be the catalyst I need to just end this.

I'm a damn good guy. I deserve to be happy, god dammit. I deserve to find someone that I can treat like a queen and who will want to treat me like a king. I'm not gonna let the Kendrix Situation sour me to relationships, but it's gonna be hard not to let it make me gun shy for a while. Eventually though I'll get back up on the horse and get back out in the dating scene and meet my Ms. Right.

all right. I can't look at the monitor anymore, my eyes are screming. If anybody actually reads this entire post, hope you enjoyed a little trip inside the head of copaX

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I tried

I tried. probably harder than I should've. but I tried. I tried to make things work with Kendra. But we're just making ourselves sick trying to do it. I'm not good enough for her standards in her mind. I'm tired of not being happy with myself and the changes I've made as a human being. We're not officially broken up, but we decided this morning that we needed time apart. Honestly, I don't know how I can go back to that situation again, so I'll probably have to end things here eventually, maybe this time off will make it easier to officially end it, maybe not. I dunno.

My goal after I get over the initial shock and pain is to spend time figuring out what truly makes me happy. Not what makes the people around me happy. I've spent the majority of the 30 years minus 3 weeks of my life worrying about making people happy. I do things that make someone else happy that makes me happy. I need to be more selfish for a while. And hopefully someday I can find a woman that can accept me for what I am and can be happy for me while I make her as happy as I possibly can. My pessimist side is fighting really hard to take over right now. And I've got to just do what I can to fight it off and realize that there are a shitload of fish in the sea.

I'm gonna go now, cause I feel like I'm gonna throw up.