Hahaha

This is a good test. if there's anybody that can watch this video without laughing....I'm not sure I want to know you anymore LOL

Chancho...

...when you are a man...sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room....Just for fun

Where I'm at

Figured since i hadn't blogged for a while, I'd make a post about where I'm at lately. I've been spending alot of time in my own head to be honest. I've been going to therapy for the past 2 months now. Therapy's been very eye-opening to me. I've learned alot about myself, and I've learned alot about Dad as a result. I've learned about the problems I have that need to be worked on. But as a result of this learning process I'm not the same person I was before I started. I've got clear goals in my life now, but I'm very confused as to how to accomplish them. Another thing that's resulted from going through therapy is that I've learned that I don't know who I am, or what I like. I've spent my entire life doing what other people liked in order to make them happy. And now I'm trying to find the things that truly make me happy. And I'm not having much luck yet. I feel like I'm an engine from a car. I've taken myself apart, down to the nuts and bolts. I've found the parts that were bad. I'm not sure how to fix them (or if they even need to be fixed), but on the other hand, I'm still in pieces as I'm trying to rebuild myself. And I'm also having more trouble coping with losing Dad. I never expected myself to be completely over it, but i had been handling it pretty well for a while. I think it's the season change. It's surprising how many "anniversaries" there are the year after you've lost a family member. You build yourself up for the big anniversaries (holidays, birthdays), but it's the little ones that sneak up on you. My oldest newphew, Ben, turned 13 a oouple of weeks ago. He's become such a great young man, and it was a good party to celebrate him, but it felt so strange and so different without Dad being there. My cousin is talking about her upcoming marriage, my other cousin and her new husband were sharing ideas with her sister. It really hammered home how much life can change and morph on you, regardless of whether you want it to or are prepared for it. I've had a hard time historically with change. I get into a groove, and don't change a thing from then on. Unfortunately, this year has pulled my eyes apart and shown me how quickly and significantly life can affect you. But that's the point of living. The point isn't to go through it safely with no worries about being hurt and never losing anything. You just can't do it. And trying to do it, makes you end up wasting the life you've been given. I've watched some of my friends really live their lives. And being there to be able to help them handle their fears and trepidations about the paths they're starting on has really shown me that even the people that I think are so much stronger than me are still human. The point isn't to not be afraid of life. The point is to see that the end of the road is so worth any bumps you may hit along the way. And going through those bumps just help to let you grow as a person. I've spent the first 30 years of my life being so worried about avoiding every bump possible, that I haven't lived. I've missed so much, and missed out on so much. And making the changes I need to start to really live my life are very scary changes. And they're changes that the way my brain is "wired" right now, it's screaming at me to just stop and go back to the way things used to be. I was "safe" back then, even though I wasn't safe. You can never really be safe. You can do as much as you can to keep yourself from being hurt physically/mentally/emotionally. But there's no way to completely avoid getting hurt. But as I said, that's the point of life. Ride the ride. It's gonna suck, and it's gonna be good. It may never be amazing for you like some other people's lives. But you've got to live your life, and they'll live their life.

wow, sorry to ramble. anyways, that's just the tip of the iceberg as to what's going on in my head these days. It's like I've gone through life with dark glasses on, and I'm trying to adjust to the light after having the glasses broken and finally deciding to throw away the frames. Here's hoping it doesn't blind me ;-)

Day on the Islands

I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Todd and Kathy Paridon invited me and Mom up to Kathy's mom's place up on South Bass Island. She's got a bunch of bedrooms, and rents some to people staying on the island.



We met up at the Paridon's house friday night after work. We caught the ferry over and met Kathy's mom, Nettie, who drove us to her place. We got settled and turned in for the night




Saturday we got up, had some breakfast, then hit the road for our tour of the island with Todd and Kathy. We walked around downtown, got some lunch, did some shopping. After the tour, we went back to the house to get ready for dinner. Todd grilled up some peppers onions and potatos, then made the best steak I've EVER TASTED! He used this marinade that was beyond compare, it had a hint of sweetness to it. God. I dreamt about that steak that night.



Kathy's sister and brother-in-law, who run a full bed and breakfast, stopped over for dinner and their dog, Shep, came over with them. Shep was the coolest, calmest, best behaved dog I'd met in a long time. After dinner, Todd, Kathy and I went for a cruise downtown to check out the nightlife. Not much was happening downtown, so we checked out the point, where we saw a couple of the Perseid meteors.

All in all it was an amazing relaxing weekend. Full pictures can be seen here

Worst Music Video EVER

This video scares me and makes me laugh at the same time. I think I weakened my soul watching this. Please. Join in the fun.

crazy japanese crotch smashing fun

Surprisingly part of me would rather do this than go back to work tomorrow

I'm mad

I'm mad, and I'm frustrated, and I'm pissed off. Those are the three ways I primarily describe my mood lately. And the funny (read: strange) thing about it is I don't know why. Sure my job's going through as much turmoil as your average afternoon soap opera, but it's not directly affecting me that much. But I've got a horrible short fuse. I've always been a little too quick to freak out about things, but now it's almost to the point I can't control it. I get mad at friends who are going through difficult times of their own, and that's wrong of me. I just can't make sense out of what's going through my head right now. I apologize to any of my friends that I may have hurt in the past few months, I didn't mean it. I just can't seem to handle things not going "according to plan" anymore. and I don't know what to do to fix it. So I'm writing this to admit that I need help. I've talked to my doctor about the situation. I told him I'm not comfortable upping the dose of the paxil I'm on (yes, I'm freely admitting to being on paxil) and he's suggested a psychiatrist for me to meet with. I've been scared and ashamed to do it before now, but I'll be setting up an appointment to meet with him sometime next week. I can't go on like this without risking losing friends and further digging myself into this emotional hole that I've found myself in and can't get out of.

Update part 2

If you don't want see something gross, stay away from Update part 1 below. Anyways, this is a picture of the shadow box g-door's sister made for me. the flowers in it are from my dad's funeral. She took them from the ceremony and dried them for us, then framed them (if you ever need framing, go to Pat Catans in Akron and ask for Charlotte. Tell her Chris said she's the best framer he's ever met). She made a box for me, one for my sister and a bigger one for my mom. They turned out absolutely beautifully and I'm extremely thankful to her for making this memento for my family. Thank you, Charlotte.

Update part 1

Ok, this is the graphic part of my update tonight. Here's the result of the shed building experiment over at G-doors this past weekend. Hard to explain without visuals, I'll have to get a scan of the shed instruction manual to show how it happened. I got my finger caught someplace it shouldn't have been. After a visit to the friendly akron city er and 3 stitches later I was back on the road. Had a whole big finger wrapped in bandage so I couldn't type with it. I've redressed it tonight and can actually use the index finger a little bit. Typing with 9 fingers isn't very fun, kinda cramps/aches the other joints.

P.S. for those curious, the little piece of white is a piece of the bandage that got stuck in a scab. it came off after I soaked it in peroxide. now you know.

My ever inspriring CEO/CTO/CIO/whatever he is

Boss: "We can use these images for the new website, but we'd have to pay for them. some of them are 10 cents, some are 50 bucks, others are 1000 bucks. Or I can take my fancy HP *points at me* have him get all dressed up and take pictures"
CEO/CTO/CIO/whatever he is: "What? like some Chippendales thing? *proceeds to dance like an old person trying to dance cool* Our customers would be throwing up *makes throwing up noises. We'd need barf bags on every page"


oh, and you know you suck when you're so bored you're reposting surveys on your myspace bulletins, and myspace shuts down the bulletins on you. somebody's probably watching my activity saying "Jesus christ dude, go do something else" *clicks to turn off bulletins*

edit:
just messaged a friend who came online. He replied with "bad time, naked girl on bed" And with that, I'm going to go to bed and channel surf and bring an end to my wonderful friday evening.

Nobody's Watching Part 1

Funny stuff. This was a pilot produced for the WB, but since the WB is no more, it's in limbo. Read about it at wiki. Be sure to check out Parts 2 and 3 in the Explore More Videos section.

Dads

Everybody do me a favor. Call your dad, give him a hug, buy him a gift, take him out to dinner. But do it on friday, or saturday, or monday, or tuesday, or any day. Please just don't do it on sunday. Do it every day.

And if they piss you off, or if there's animosity between you, make the first step towards starting the healing process. Best case scenario, you can reconnect before either of you is gone. Worst case, hopefully, you'll be more at peace that you put forth an effort, if something should happen to either of you.

Just love your dads as much as you can while they're still around. I took father's day for granted for 30 years, and can never make up for it now. And it's eating me up inside knowing I'll never be able to make right with him the things that weren't. We'll never get to have the conversations that needed to be had. I'll never get to tell him I loved him.

And don't leave out mom either. Fuck it, just love everyone in your life as much as you can while you can.

And for those of you who have unfortunately lost your fathers like I have, I can only offer you my most sincere and deepest sympathies. Father's day was never an earth-shattering day for me, but from now on, it will hurt. This first one is excruciating. The next one won't be as bad. The next one after that, will be less painful, etc. But there will always be an ache in my heart when this time of year rolls around. I can only hope that all of you who have gone through what I'm going through this year have been able to find your own special ways to remember him on this holiday. And if this has upset you in anyways, I truly apologize. I'm doing this for selfish reasons to help myself, and never intended this to bring pain or discomfort to anyone, please know that.

Vacation Pictures

I've got a gallery of pictures I took while on the trip. I only took pics about 3 or 4 times while down there, but ended up with quite a few. Oh and for those of you questioning my photography skills in the later pictures on the beach, I was told by someone ( who will remain nameless ) to act like I was taking pictures of my family, but in reality focus on a woman in the background, so I could get pictures of hot women on the beach. So that's why some of those beach pictures look like I'm not really trying to center on the family member in them, because, well, I wasn't ;-) I'll highlight some of my favs here, but you can see them all by going here..

Vacation 2006 Pictures





I liked how the sun just sort of looked to be sitting on the top of this little area of trees.




I liked how I caught the gull and the sailboarder in this one. I came really close to getting the sailboarder's sail around the sun, but he wouldn't cooperate ;-)




Not sure what it is about this one, but I just really like it.




I tried to frame the sun on the point of one the lower fence posts, but it didn't quite do what I wanted. I still like the picture though.




The fence from the preceding picture was surrounding this little local cemetary full of graves from back in the 1800s, some of the people buried there hadn't lived more than days or months before passing away.




There's probably a technical photographical terminology for this, but I just really like taking pictures with this kind of perspective to them





What would a set of vacation pictures be without a picture of a wave crashing on the beach?

Post-Vacation Update

Well, we made it back to northeast ohio last night. We left the beach house at 7:45 in the morning, and pulled into Rootstown at 7:10, so we made it back in a little under 12 hours. No problems on the drive back, was very smooth.

For those of you who didn't get to see all the videos I did, here's links to all of the vids:

Day 1 and 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5

Overall it was a good trip. Had some fun, relaxed. There wasn't much going on after day 5, so that's why the videos stop there. We hung out at the house and just relaxed most of the last few days. On friday night we all went out to dinner as a family, then went back to the beach and had a little moment for dad. I had picked up some golf balls that had dad's name on them, 2 of them. I took one and threw it out into the ocean and will keep the other one. We also took one of his old outer banks hats and threw it out into the ocean as a family. It was so painful not having him there with us. I'd done good the whole trip until the last day when it really hit me that he wasn't there with us. But I think he would've approved of our trip, I think it would've lived up to his standards :)

Vacation Update

Been having internet problems down here. But I've been able to get videos from Day 1+2 and Day 3 posted online. For those who want to check them out, go to..

Vacation Video Journal - Day 1 + 2

and

Vacation Video Journal - Day 3

As I get more videos done, I'll try to get the urls posted here for everyone to watch and laugh at my sorry videography skills ;-)

Pre-vacation update

In the next..hour and a half or so, I'll be out of work and headed home to load up the car and make my way south towards north carolina. It's time again for the Semi-Annual Copac Family Outer Banks Excursion Extraordinaire (SACFOBEE for short). It used to be an annual summer tradition to take the family down there, but last year we were unable to due to me not having vacation time here yet, and the passing of my brother-in-law's father.

Anyways, the plan is to get to the Homewood Suites outside of the Richmond, VA airport tonight and stay the night, then get up saturday morning and drive the rest of the way to our beach house on the beach.

While staying there, my plan is to make daily blog updates on what we've done that particular day. Maybe even do some video journals if I feel motivated enough.

This is a much needed break for the entire family. We've had so much crap thrown at us the past couple of years, we need a chance to just get away and recharge the batteries. So, while I'll do blog updates daily, be forewarned, chances are good there won't be much exciting to talk about besides sitting on the beach enjoying the ocean.

IS IT 12:30 YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

A look back

Some of the more memoral posts in the life of my blog:

First Recorded Post

First date notes with Tammy

Sister's house fire

Second relationship of the summer falling apart

Hiking and mom trouble

The eharmony rejection

The begining of the Kendra situation

Kendra and I become officially bf/gf

Kendra situation high-point

Beginning of the end with Kendra

Beginning of Dad troubles

Kendra situation officially over

The passing of my father

Rant

Geocaching - return to positive posts

Wow. so much has happened in the past year, it's a bit mind boggling. Here's hoping not nearly as much happens this year :-P

To Tim and Jeff

If you're reading this, stop. Leave and don't come back, please.

HIGH-larious

Geocaching

UPDATE: Should've put this in the original post, but here's the site we use as our reference geocaching.com

Me and the Door's went geocaching for the first time. It was a blast. We tried 4 different caches, were successful in finding 3 of them. For those that don't know about geocaching, you get the latitutde and longitude coordinates of a cache on the net. You enter them into a handheld GPS unit and then go to where the coordinates are located. Somewhere in the general vicinity will be some kind of cache. The caches contain some kind of log book that finders sign and note when they found it. Micro sized caches are only big enough to hold the log book. Other caches are larger and contain kitschy kinds of trinkets. The concept of those is to take something from the cache while leaving something in the cache. Other caches are multi-stage caches. The coordinates you get from the net lead you to the first stage, something in the first stage will give you direction or coordinates to the next stage and so forth.




First one, was in an industrial park in Solon. There was a little cul-de-sac. Took us about 5 minutes of walking around till Scott noticed a fake-looking bird's nest. It had a small quarter sized container in it with a couple folded up strips of paper that consisted of the log book.

Second cache was a failure. It was supposed to be a multi-stage cache, which would've been very cool to explore. Oh well, we'll find a good multi-stage sometime.



Third cache was fun. It was near the gorge in the Brecksville Reservoir. We had to walk up through what looked like an access road for park rangers, maybe. Then we got into the middle of the forest itself. Took us about 10-15 minutes to find this one. Ended up being what looked like a big plastic mayonnaise jar. It was full of a bunch of kitschy stuff.



The fourth cache was a fun one. We were following the directions on the GPS and had no clue how to get to it because there was no roads leading to it. We eventually found an office park that was the closest thing to it. We walked through the neatly mowed grass near the MetLife/Fox Sports Ohio building to a forest where we found a small ammo box.

On the way back to scott's we decided on a way for us to leave our mark on the geocaching world. I've got a set of cheap plastic poker chips. We stopped by Office Max and picked up some circular labels. Scott's got a domain name he hasn't been using for a while. So we're gonna setup a simple site, put the domain name and a unique number on the chips, then start leaving them in the caches that we find in the hopes that someone will find one of our Door-bloons (think dubloons, but since we're Door's we're calling them Door-bloons), go to the site and tell us where the found it. And hopefully our Door-bloons will spread across the nation to other caches.

To see other pictures from our first Geocaching expedition go to my Yahoo Photo Album

blog is back

Hello all. the blog is back after a slight period of time in the Blog Protection Program. It spent a couple weeks as a father of four in minnesota. Needless to say it's glad to be back as a blog.

it's early, I'm trying :-P

raw day

this is not gonna be a good post, so don't read it if you're looking for a pick-me-up





having a very "raw" day as I call them. woke up this morning ok, got in the shower, and for some reason or another I Was back at akron city hospital watching dad thrash around in the bed (as we would later find out as he was dying) I keep flashing back like this alot latley. it hurts so bad. I can't get over how he had to go, it's just not right, it's not fair, and I don't know hwat to do about it. I'm so mad and I'm so frustrated and I'm so scared and I ache so bad inside. I feel like I'm right on the edge between keeping a slight hold on the situation and just totally falling apart. but then again I'm gonna go to bed here and I'm gonna get up in the morning, and life's just gonna keep on going. and I'm gonna have to keep on going with it somehow. most days aren't this bad. but today mom and I both just lost it. didn't help we watched rent tonight. the hospital scene and the funeral scene did us in. we're both having a real hard time coping with the way he had to go, and the shit he had to be put through all through january. it really hammers home the concept that there is no concept of fairness in the world. good things happen to bad people, and horrible things happen to amazingly good people. and there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it. You just have to somehow come to grips with the idea that nothing is forever. change is inevitable. bad change is ever as likely as good change. and there are times when people get flooded with good changes. And there are times where people feel overwhelmed with bad changes. I'm at the point now where I have trouble looking for positives. I used to be a fairly optimistic person, but now I'm expecting my new car to break down. I'm expecting there to be problems with caryn and joe's new house. I'm expecting my dog to keel over and die. Why? because I've been burned for the past year and a half with bad thing after bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. And after each one i'd try to tell myself, well things can't get worse, they'll turn around. Well, they won't. there's no guarantees on anything. There's no "can't get worse" there's always worse. life's not a game, not a story, not a movie, it's a living breathing thing that's not able to be played or written or directed. sorry, I just really needed to get some of this out so I could stop crying. I'll shut up now.

There's no such thing as a perfect life - Terry Pluto

Link to Column

Excerpt:

"Here's a bulletin: Life is not fair.
Sometimes, we get better than we deserve, sometimes it's worse. But it's not fair, and it's not easy.
Not only do bad things happen to good people, but good things happen to bad people. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why some things happen.
"

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
Im just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
But the rest is still unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Donald Edward Copac

Donald was one of the best men ever to set foot on the face of this earth. He put family above all else in the world. He put other people before himself. He was a diligent hard working man who wants his family to be happy more than anything else. Donald was a great father, a great grandfather, a great husband, and a great friend. He will be missed deeply.

Donald passed away at 7:30, January 27th, 2006.

This will be the last blog post for an indeterminate period of time.

dad

its sometime after 1 in the morning. been running around since 7. thought dad had a third heart attack in 3 weeks, but now we're waiting to see if he's got a potentially life-threatening pulmonary embolism.

Happy Birthday to me

I'm 30 today. I spent it doing stuff around the house, spending 3 hours at the hospital with dad, going to walmart, waiting 2 hours for a lukewarm pizza, walking the dog and doing the recycle. Happy 30th to me.

Roadblocks

So, yeah, you go through all this shit in your life. You finally get a good plan in mind for how to turn it around. You've got a list of things you awnt to work on changing in your life. Then all of a sudden you hit a roadblock. And all of that's put on the back burner.

I could've sworn I blogged about this, but it doesn't appear to be there. Anyways, my dad had a heart attack last friday. Thankfully minor. He was in the hospital until tuesday. They found a 50-60% blockage in one of his grafted arteries from the bypass he had back in 96. It wasn't a terrible blockage, so they felt a stint wasn't necessary. They start him on a regimine of blood thinners. He spent most of the rest of this week feeling like shit. Horrible chills, bad rashes, muscles aches and weakness. He woke up this morning with chest pains and when he told my mother about it, she was unable to find a pulse on him. We called 911, and the paramedics took him to the ER. They put an external pacemaker on him to stabilize his pulse. He's back in the hospital again, having had a second heart attack in almost a week. He's got a temporary internal pacemaker now, and they're still running tests to determine what's happened.

So, new copaX has been put on hold, so Chris can spend time with the family where he's needed.

It's over

The Kendrix Situation is officially over. The beard is gone. New Copax is not fully complete yet, but it's more of a state of mind. New Copax is not a destination, it's a new mode of transportation. I'm not quite ready to be New Copax quite yet, but I've officially closed the Kendrix Situation chapter of my life and can put all of my mental efforts into moving forwards with my life.

Do I hurt? yup. Am I gonna cry about it? not likely. Is this gonna haunt me? It shouldn't, and if I let it, it's my own fault and I'll need to handle that myself.

I'm gonna be 30 in 13 days. I'm not happy with where my life is right now at 30. My 31st year on this planet will be one of many changes. I can now safely say that I'm no longer making these changes for anyone but myself. I'm doing them because of the Kendrix Situation. Not because her spotlight way of highlighting my negatives qualities sank in. But because she made me realize that the one person I need to make happy is me. I can't spend my life making other people happy. especially those who can't accept anything less than perfection. I've got goals set for what needs to happen this year, and if I meet some of them, that's fucking awesome. If I meet them all, I'll be scared that I've let other things sacrifice. Perfection is not a goal, it's a fault. I want positive changes, positive energy, and positive results. Nothing quantified. Just positive.

More tidbits learned from the Kendrix situation:
1. Acceptance does not equal settling
2. Positive effort is worthwhile and should be celebrated, not belittled
3. If someone doesn't love me for who I am right now, that's their problem to change, not mine
4. I have a powerful support network that cares about me more than I could've possible imagined.
5. Dating/relationships are real and gritty and not perfect and not always sunny, but I have faith that I will find love again someday. And when I do find it, I will realize that what I thought was love will pale in comparison.


so that's it. I'm tired. I have to go back to work tomorrow, after being off for 4 days for dad's heart attack. l8r

I'm being tested (long rambling insomniac post) aka A Trip Inside the Head of copaX

Got a call from mom at 10:15 this morning that she took dad to the emergency room with chest pains. I spent most of the day after that at the hospital with the family. He's doing ok last we saw him at 7. No pain anymore. They're keeping him overnight and going to have him do a stress test and an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to make sure everything's ok. Wasn't how I intended to end this week. Thanks for the little test, whoever's in charge up there!

I'm either numb from everything that's gone on the last couple of weeks, or I'm getting better at managing my anxiety, because I didn't flip out today. I felt it starting to come on before I left the office, but I got my stuff together, sent off an email on the big project I'm on and just left. I didn't race down to the hospital, I drove at a sane speed. So, if this is somebody's way of testing me, you can take your test and shove it up your ass. I'm fucking done flipping out over shit I can't control. As my new motto for life goes "The anxiety my family has bred for years dies with me"

Also, for those who haven't seen me since before the holidays, I haven't shaved since new year's. I'm going into a cocoon, as I'm calling it. I've got the full on amish beard going right now. I'm not going to trim it. I'm not going to shape it. It's just going to keep growing. Once a final decision has been reached in the Kendrix Situation and I can finally get some closure, the full amish beard will come off and the new copaX will emerge. Better get out of the way when new copaX gets here. I can't speak for him, obviously, but I get the sense that he's gonna be better focused, he's gonna have more confidence, he's gonna not give as much of a shit about what people think. But like I said, new copaX is still being developed in his cocoon as we speak. Old copax is dying, to be reborn in the form of new copaX. I probably sound like I'm rambling a bit, but I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I feel like I've lived years in the past 2 months. I've gone back to IM logs from before the Kendrix Situation began, and it feels like the things that happened then actually occured years ago. I've been in a sensory deprivation chamber for the past two months. I've been stuck in a time loop. I've been on the show Big Brother with no contact to the outside world.

My pessimism keeps washing over me in waves lately. Seems that mornings and evenings are bad times for me. Middle of the day I can push it down enough to function. I wake up in the morning and can barely move. Not from anything physical, just don't wanna move. Late at night when I'm trying to wind down and my brain starts to slow down, that's when the Kendrix Situation creeps back in. I'm getting closer to being ready to put an end to this "break" we're on. We haven't had any contact since I walked out of her house on New Year's Day morning and she sent me a txt message on monday night. But I don't want to give up the high ground I feel like I've finally achieved in this so-called relationship. I want her to contact me. I want her to miss me. I want her to realize that she pissed me off enough that I didn't feel like contacting her this week. Not out of anything vindictive, but I just for once want her to see my side of things. I want to know that the glimmer of hope that I've had for the past few weeks that there's some compassion and understanding in that woman wasn't misguided. But then again, the other side of me just wants her to get pissed off at me for not contacting her, so it can be the catalyst I need to just end this.

I'm a damn good guy. I deserve to be happy, god dammit. I deserve to find someone that I can treat like a queen and who will want to treat me like a king. I'm not gonna let the Kendrix Situation sour me to relationships, but it's gonna be hard not to let it make me gun shy for a while. Eventually though I'll get back up on the horse and get back out in the dating scene and meet my Ms. Right.

all right. I can't look at the monitor anymore, my eyes are screming. If anybody actually reads this entire post, hope you enjoyed a little trip inside the head of copaX

I tried

I tried. probably harder than I should've. but I tried. I tried to make things work with Kendra. But we're just making ourselves sick trying to do it. I'm not good enough for her standards in her mind. I'm tired of not being happy with myself and the changes I've made as a human being. We're not officially broken up, but we decided this morning that we needed time apart. Honestly, I don't know how I can go back to that situation again, so I'll probably have to end things here eventually, maybe this time off will make it easier to officially end it, maybe not. I dunno.

My goal after I get over the initial shock and pain is to spend time figuring out what truly makes me happy. Not what makes the people around me happy. I've spent the majority of the 30 years minus 3 weeks of my life worrying about making people happy. I do things that make someone else happy that makes me happy. I need to be more selfish for a while. And hopefully someday I can find a woman that can accept me for what I am and can be happy for me while I make her as happy as I possibly can. My pessimist side is fighting really hard to take over right now. And I've got to just do what I can to fight it off and realize that there are a shitload of fish in the sea.

I'm gonna go now, cause I feel like I'm gonna throw up.