Sunday, October 01, 2006

Where I'm at

Figured since i hadn't blogged for a while, I'd make a post about where I'm at lately. I've been spending alot of time in my own head to be honest. I've been going to therapy for the past 2 months now. Therapy's been very eye-opening to me. I've learned alot about myself, and I've learned alot about Dad as a result. I've learned about the problems I have that need to be worked on. But as a result of this learning process I'm not the same person I was before I started. I've got clear goals in my life now, but I'm very confused as to how to accomplish them. Another thing that's resulted from going through therapy is that I've learned that I don't know who I am, or what I like. I've spent my entire life doing what other people liked in order to make them happy. And now I'm trying to find the things that truly make me happy. And I'm not having much luck yet. I feel like I'm an engine from a car. I've taken myself apart, down to the nuts and bolts. I've found the parts that were bad. I'm not sure how to fix them (or if they even need to be fixed), but on the other hand, I'm still in pieces as I'm trying to rebuild myself. And I'm also having more trouble coping with losing Dad. I never expected myself to be completely over it, but i had been handling it pretty well for a while. I think it's the season change. It's surprising how many "anniversaries" there are the year after you've lost a family member. You build yourself up for the big anniversaries (holidays, birthdays), but it's the little ones that sneak up on you. My oldest newphew, Ben, turned 13 a oouple of weeks ago. He's become such a great young man, and it was a good party to celebrate him, but it felt so strange and so different without Dad being there. My cousin is talking about her upcoming marriage, my other cousin and her new husband were sharing ideas with her sister. It really hammered home how much life can change and morph on you, regardless of whether you want it to or are prepared for it. I've had a hard time historically with change. I get into a groove, and don't change a thing from then on. Unfortunately, this year has pulled my eyes apart and shown me how quickly and significantly life can affect you. But that's the point of living. The point isn't to go through it safely with no worries about being hurt and never losing anything. You just can't do it. And trying to do it, makes you end up wasting the life you've been given. I've watched some of my friends really live their lives. And being there to be able to help them handle their fears and trepidations about the paths they're starting on has really shown me that even the people that I think are so much stronger than me are still human. The point isn't to not be afraid of life. The point is to see that the end of the road is so worth any bumps you may hit along the way. And going through those bumps just help to let you grow as a person. I've spent the first 30 years of my life being so worried about avoiding every bump possible, that I haven't lived. I've missed so much, and missed out on so much. And making the changes I need to start to really live my life are very scary changes. And they're changes that the way my brain is "wired" right now, it's screaming at me to just stop and go back to the way things used to be. I was "safe" back then, even though I wasn't safe. You can never really be safe. You can do as much as you can to keep yourself from being hurt physically/mentally/emotionally. But there's no way to completely avoid getting hurt. But as I said, that's the point of life. Ride the ride. It's gonna suck, and it's gonna be good. It may never be amazing for you like some other people's lives. But you've got to live your life, and they'll live their life.

wow, sorry to ramble. anyways, that's just the tip of the iceberg as to what's going on in my head these days. It's like I've gone through life with dark glasses on, and I'm trying to adjust to the light after having the glasses broken and finally deciding to throw away the frames. Here's hoping it doesn't blind me ;-)