Anxiety

So, I had an anxiety attack this week. I've started seeing someone new. Things were going pretty darn well at the start, better than most of my previous relationships have started. But I still ended up having an anxiety attack. As I've done before, I let my mind wander and get caught up in the emotions of the moment, and started to project into the future. For some reason, the future to me is full of fear and potential disappointment. I'm not sure why I do it. I'm hoping that by typing out this blog post that maybe I'll get a glimmer of a clue. Anyways, I started projecting to the future that we're going to end up in a relationship, and that I'm not going to feel as strongly about her as she feels about me, and that I'm going to have to disappoint her and hurt her feelings or break her heart. I flipped out and nearly ended the relationship. We were able to talk and I let her know about some of my problems, and I think things are better now. But the stigma's still there. So, why can't I be optimistic about the future? I can't control what's going to happen, but I also can't expect things to go wrong. I dunno. Anyways,I'm going to take a break for now. I'll write a follow-up later or in the morning.

Update #1: Whitey makes a great point in his comment "The only thing I can tell you is that after I faced the scary moments, wether they turned out in my favor or against, I didn't have to be afraid anymore. It was over..." That initial hurdle for me feels insurmountable somedays. When it's something I have to face alone, I buckle. If it's something I'm doing in a social situation with people I feel comfortable with, I have more strength inside, or I don't give a shit nearly as much about how things will turn out. when I'm on my own, I lose faith in myself, or I fear the outcomes too much. More updates to come as things pop into my head