Crazy Sprinkler Lady

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Getting Comfortable with Discomfort

Interesting read from UrbanMonk.net. I think this is my major problem these days, just coping with discomfort and not letting it swallow me up.

clipped from www.urbanmonk.net No one likes to feel crappy, right? Certain powerful sensations and emotions are simply uncomfortable, if not downright painful. For some people, feeling sadness or grief is nearly intolerable; others would rather cry for an hour than feel intense anxiety or fear. Having experienced some form of depression on and off since my teens (and having grown almost used to it), I’ve always fallen in the latter category. I’d rather bear those ills I know, if I have to bear any ills at all. Interestingly enough, it was in experiencing some new ones that I learned something about the old ones, and stumbled across a more effective way of dealing with both.

Another fav webcomic of mine. The concept behind this one is Garfield cartoons with Garfield removed and only Jon left. It completely changes the tone of the strip. Even Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield, endorses it and his company is going to publish a collection of Garfield minus Garfield comics.

clipped from garfieldminusgarfield.net garfield minus garfield Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Cyanide & Happiness

I love this comic. It's done by 4 separate artists so the character styles change periodically. It's very dry and a little inappropriate at times, but that just makes it that much funnier to me.

clipped from www.explosm.net

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

This is HILARIOUS!!

clipped from lovelylisting.blogspot.com HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION by The Chair

Experiment

I'm trying something new today called simplynoise.com. It's a web-based white noise generator. It also does pink noise and brown noise, but I haven't quite figured out the differences yet, other than they sound different. I'm listening to brown noise right now, and I have it cranked to the point that I don't hear anything else around me. I'm interested to see how it affects my focus and mood during the day.

clipped from www.simplynoise.com Instructions: Slide the orb Find comfort zone Enjoy auditory zen Uses of White Noise: Aid Sleep Enhance Privacy Block Distractions Mask Tinnitus Configure Audio Equipment Soothe Migraines and more...

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia at Comic-Con

My possible wedding gift to Jen and Dan

It'd be like their own private 7/11 in their backyard. Then on their 1st anniversary I can get them a slushee machine!

clipped from gizmodo.com Grill Hot Dogs the Gas Station Way

ow ow ow OW OW!

OW!

clipped from www.boingboing.net How to give yourself elf ears Here's an Instructable on how to give yourself elf ears. Body-Mod: Elf Ears (via Zoomdoggle)

It's Lovely! I'll Take It!

Found a new site today called It's Lovely! I'll Take It! It's a collection of bad pictures posted on actual real estate listings.

Mr. Rogers' Subcommittee

Kids today, and the world in general, need more people like Mr. Rogers. Not to be a babysitter, not to be a teacher, but just to be an advocate for a child. An advocate for someone who either can't speak for themselves, or can't find the words to express themselves.

Why America Is Fucked

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

This is one of the coolest things I've ever watched. It was done by Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Angel). It stars Neil Patrick Harris (who's having quite the renaissance since his Doogie Houser M.D. days) as a wanna-be evil villain who's plans keep getting thwarted by Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) It's funny, it's got good music, good writing, and it's poignant to boot. And to think more people in this country are more interested in watching shitty reality vomit than watch something awesome like this.

w00t!

I'm in such a freakin fantastic mood tonight (editor's note: they really need to add a sarcasm tag) and this article really just made my night even better! :)

Awesome!

So not only am I failing by not being able to get myself to work out 30 minutes a day, even if I was able to, it's not really going to make a difference! sweet!

I'm gonna go have a drink now.

Cat Bite Fever

"It give her cat bite fever
Cat bite fever "

After work last night I stopped at Giant Eagle, picking up some groceries and prescriptions. I loaded up my car then went next door to the Hallmark store to pick up some birthday cards. My phone rings. I look at the caller id. "Restricted." I've had some recruiter calling me lately who has a "Restricted" number, and I also just don't appreciate people blocking their phone numbers when they call me, so I let it go to voice mail. I found a card I wanted to buy when the phone starts ringing again. "Restricted." I let it go to voice mail once again. I start down the card aisle when I start thinking. "That's kind of odd to get two 'Restricted' calls back to back like that, maybe I should listen to the voice mail" Turns out it's my mom. Calling from the hospital.

Time for a little back story. The winter after my dad passed away, a stray cat turned up at mom's house. We told ourselves at first that we were just going to let it go, but slowly over time we started to feed it, and put blankets out in the detached garage for him to sleep on. Then when the winter got really bad, we started letting him into the attached garage so he could be warm. He was a very loving cat, but he had a wild side to him and would nip at you if he got over excited. After I moved out of mom's house last august, she continued to feed and take care of the cat, as he was doing a fair job of keeping down the chipmunk population. He stayed outside during the day and mom would put out food for him and left the attached garage door open a crack so he could get in at night.

Flash back to present day. Mom was feeding the cat in the morning, like she always does, and he got over-excited and bit her, and she needed my help. I put the card back and ran out to my car, searched for the phone number to the hospital, and called the hospital. She got four decent puncture wounds and some scratches from his claws. Her arm was pretty swollen, red and sore. Since he was technically still a stray, they were going to keep her overnight for observation. I drove back home to the local hospital to check on her. We needed to catch the cat and get in touch with the Health Department, so I got a list of things mom needed from the house and headed over there. Luckily I found him in some bushes outside mom's house, and was able to coax him into the attached garage and close the door all the way on him. Since the Health Department was only open 8-4:30, I went back to the hospital with the things for mom and stayed with her until around 10 then drove back to the apartment.

This morning I went back to mom's. Took me a little while and a couple different pet carriers, but I was able to get the fella contained in a carrier. I talked to the Health Department who told me we could either quarantine him ourselves for 10 days or have him put down and sent down to Columbus for testing. After talking with mom, we decided the best course of action was just to put him down. After getting things coordinated with the Health Department and the Dog Warden, I loaded him in my car and headed off. He howled the majority of the way to the Dog Warden.

It was hard, because we really tried to give him a chance and came close to moving him into the house while I was still living with mom. I spent a lot of time sitting down in the garage with him, holding him in my lap, with a full winter coat and gloves on to "protect" myself in case he got too excited. And he would just sleep and purr in my lap. I doubt he ever got much in the way of love before he met us. I used to talk to him about Dad and just kind of vent a little, since I was still trying to cope with Dad's loss.

He stopped howling once I pulled up to the dog warden's, and he didn't make a sound when I took him inside and handed him over. I don't know if he knew what was going on or not. A couple minutes and $10 later, they came back out and gave me the empty pet carrier. I'm assuming he was gone before I left the parking lot.

I went back to the hospital and spent some time with mom. With only a handful of cable channels and not much else in the way of entertainment, I could tell she's already getting stir crazy. Her arm's still fairly swollen and red. Hopefully, if there is any infection, it doesn't get down into the muscles. Just a matter of wait and see and continued IV drugs for now.

So here I am, back at work now. Two "critical" issues on my desk when I came in, plus a phone call as soon as I sat down.


Such is life :)

New tv shows I've become hooked on

I've gotten myself hooked on two new tv shows lately.



The first one is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This show is like Seinfeld: The Next Generation, or Seinfeld: On Crack. It's about a group of 4 people, Mac, Charlie, Dennis and Dee. They own a shithole bar in Philly. Dennis and Dee are brother and sister. Beyond that it's just alot of random craziness, as described in the wikipedia article, "including abortion, gun control, physical disabilities, racism, sexism, religion, the Israeli/Palestinian situation, terrorism, transsexuality, slavery, incest, sexual harassment in education, the homeless, statutory rape, drug addiction, pedophilia, child abuse, mental illness, gay rights, prostitution and Nazis." It is so wrong, and politically incorrect. You can watch it here on Hulu




The second show I got hooked on was Dexter. Dexter is a blood splatter analyst for the police but he's also a vigilante serial killer. Just from watching the first episode, Dexter's just such a unique character. He's a real anti-hero. You can watch clips here at Showtime's website

My Problems

This is an experiment.

• Loneliness




• Trouble meeting new people (see: Fear of Failure)


• Trouble getting myself to go to new places (see: Boredom, Fear of Failure)




• Weight/Health




• Trouble consistently working out




• Concerns about exercising in the evening (Past issues with insomnia and possible apnea. Resolved with CPAP now?)


• Trouble consistently waking up early enough to workout before leaving for work




• Trouble giving up unhealthy foods




• Lack of Control - Giving up what I like to eat, being told my efforts are wrong/not of value


• Fairness - Why do I have to work so hard when others don't? (see: Entitlement)






• Entitlement




• Feeling that I'm due a "good" life because I do/did what I'm "supposed" to do




• Lack of Inner Peace




• Cause of other items or Effect of other items?


• Need other people around/involved to be happy. (see: Loneliness)




• Boredom




• Trouble getting myself to go to new places/do new things (see: Loneliness, Fear of Failure)




• Fear of Failure




• Makes trying new things difficult (see: Boredom, Loneliness)

will update as more comes to mind. After this, my next step is to identify rational vs. irrational items (majority should be irrational). After that, I'll identify what things I'm currently doing that are positives towards changing these problems. Along with the positives, I'll list what things I'm doing that are undermining my progress. Don't know where this is going, but it was something that came to mind and made sense. Putting it here on the blog, is just kind of a way for me to own up to them and admit what's going on.

anybody got a spare 800 bucks laying around?

I've got a camcorder, and I've used it a fair amount, but I've never been happy with the video quality. I hate how it looks like it clearly comes from a camcorder. I stumbled across this puppy one day though...

Canon VIXIA HV30

This little puppy records in High-Def which is a big plus, but the main selling point for me is it has something called 24p Cinema Mode, which records at 24 frames per second, which gives it more of a film-like characteristic. If my videos came out looking like this, I think I'd do much more "filming"


Long Walk Home from frankko on Vimeo.

woohoo! wonder if I have a shot?

She would be my number 2 choice behind Tina Fey on the "Hot Hollywood Women I Want To Date"

Moment of Zen

Rare Behind-the-scenes footage of Jacks of War

Have you ever wondered how new games are created? Have you ever pondered what kind of thought processes go one during it's infancy? Well, wonder no more. I present to you rare, never-before-seen footage on the creation of a new game. The footage is raw, and real-time, so you can get a better understanding of how the brainstorming process works.

Moment of Zen

Pretending to care about jennifer working

Moment of Zen

Squaw Rock

Squaw Rock
Originally uploaded by chrisohio0122

I came up to Squaw Rock falls in the South Chagrin Reservation to read one of my Tao books and relax. It turned out to be a popular spot.

Weekend Update

Jane, you ignorant slut....no wait...not that kind of Weekend Update...

Let's see. Saturday I cleaned the apartment. Vacuumed, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet, scrubbed the shower. In the evening, Todd and Kathy came over and I went with them around the block to Todd's cousin's house for a little get together. They have a Rhino (think 4-wheeler with a rollcage) and they were doing laps around the house. There was a very attractive woman, named Megan, there, but I didn't get much of a chance to talk to her. Todd started to hurt, so I drove us back to my apartment. Kathy and Todd said I should go back and talk to Megan some more, but I couldn't get up the nerve to do it. I called mom to check on her, then hopped in the car and headed towards Solon to see what their fireworks were like. Bad idea. 91 north was a parking lot. So I gave up, and turned onto a side street and weaved my way back south. I ended up hearing the fireworks at the apartment and watched some on tv.

Today I slept in, then spent most of the morning/early afternoon watching Top Gear clips on youtube and episodes that I'd dvr'ed. Around 2:30 I headed up to my cousins Darlene and Andy's house in Lyndhurst for another cookout. I ate too much, sat in the sun too long, and played volleyball with the kids too much, so I'm stuffed, burnt and sore tonight, but it was worth it.

Tomorrow will be one of those non-days. Today feels like a sunday, and tomorrow won't feel like a monday since I won't be at work, so it'll be a day of limbo inbetween sunday and monday. Should anything exciting happen, I'll update, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Because then you will get dizzy and fall over and I don't want that on my conscience.

...After

Before...

Moment of Zen

I need a bigger oatmeal bowl

Every morning when I make it, if im not careful it overflows the bowl and then I have a real mess.


Edit: I also need to learn to turn my phone sideways when I take pictures for the blog with it.

Hmmm….something’s not right here

I got the mail this afternoon and when I looked in, I saw what looked to my bank statement.  Odd thing was…there was no envelope, it was literally just the pages of my bank statement.  and in the corner there was the postage mark.  So….yeah….somebody mailed my bank statement with no envelope so any number of people at the post office were able to see what checks I wrote and to whom.  So now I get to go into the bank monday morning and close out the account just to be safe.  the lady at the 1-800 number was pretty stunned and at first said “Well, it must’ve been somebody from the post office who opened it”  to which I replied “Yeah, I would’ve thought that too except it’s got postage on the first page of it. 

UPDATE: I went to the bank this morning, got the same kind of response that I got from the 1-800 number.  They were ready to let me walk out the door with just putting a flag on the account to check for signatures and id (which I didn’t ask but the thought crossed my mind…shouldn’t you be doing that already?)  They asked if there was anything else I’d like to do like close the account and reopen a new one, to which I replied yes.  They set me up with a new account, waived all the setup fees.  I also turned off paper statements to avoid this happening in the future.  They’ll be rushing me my new checks and debit card and hopefully I will have dodged this little identity scare bullet with only a little inconvenience.  

Pop Quiz, Hotshot!

Who’s drunk in this picture?

Random Thought of the Day

Even if you do everything you think you’re supposed to do, chances are pretty high you’re not necessarily going to get picked.  And that’s how life goes.  You can let that fact knock you on your ass and get swallowed up by the disappointment.  Or you can stand up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and take another step forward.  And then take another one after that.  and another one, and another one and another one…

You can’t expect what should happen or what could happen, but you have to accept what does happen. 

Is Google Making Us Stupid?

Found this interesting article today..

Is Google Making Us Stupid?

This passage really struck home for me..

“I’m not thinking the way I used to think. I can feel it most strongly when I’m reading. Immersing myself in a book or a lengthy article used to be easy. My mind would get caught up in the narrative or the turns of the argument, and I’d spend hours strolling through long stretches of prose. That’s rarely the case anymore. Now my concentration often starts to drift after two or three pages. I get fidgety, lose the thread, begin looking for something else to do. I feel as if I’m always dragging my wayward brain back to the text. The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.”

I haven’t been able to sit down and a read a book for years now.  Like the author of that article said, I lose my focus after a few pages. 

I was thinking about kids these days and how when my nephew ends up in college in 4 years how drastically different of an informational landscape it’ll be.  The internet was still in its widespread infancy back in ‘94 when I started college.  I remember being a Prodigy user back in the day.  I had an email address through an honors english class I was in.  I could get on the web in the computer science lab.  But the majority of any research I had to do was done by trudging to the library, searching titles for something that might be somewhat relevant to my topic, trudging *editor’s note* did alot of trudging in college, must’ve been all the books I had to carry through the bookshelves, craning my neck to read the spines of the books to find the one I needed, taking the book back to a nook and skimming through it, trying to decide if it was relevant enough to my topic or not, putting it back, wash, rinse, repeat…

Now in the age of google and wikipedia and mobile devices with internet access, information is so readily available for us at our fingertips.  But is that a good thing?  I think it was a good character-building experience to have to go through the actual research process.  It was kind of like a right of passage to get through higher education and achieve a degree.  You want a degree?  Prove it.  Do the literal legwork necessary to complete the task put before you. 

Random thought of the day..

When I get depressed, I feel like nobody cares whether I’m happy or not, and I wish that someone would try to cheer me up.  But when I’m depressed, people don’t generally want to be around me.  So in order for people to be around me, I need to try to make myself happy again.  By doing so, people are more likely to be around me.  So, basically in order to get what I want, I need to get it for myself. 

 

Make sense?  dunno, that’s why it’s a random thought. 

I suck (revisited)

Way back in the olden days (summer of Aught 07 specifically) I put out a request for blog topics.  I’m revisiting the comments I got from that request now.

Today’s request comes to us all the way from sunny Mentor, OH.  Jenny asks “is it ok to joke at a funeral? (an essay on when it’s ok to bring out the funny)”

This is unfortunately a timely topic.  Monday I attended the funeral for my best friend Scott’s father.  With respect to that event, there was levity before the service itself and following it at the memorial meal.  Personally I think humor is one of the more powerful coping mechanisms we have available to us.  A properly timed and worded joke can short-circuit grief before it can get to that soul-crushing stage.

Looking back to when my dad passed (btw, Happy early Father’s Day, Dad!) I remember how on edge and exhausted and emotionally spent I felt the day of his (unbeknownst to us at the time) final surgery.  When the moment came that the end had come, I was overcome with an explosion of negative emotions that had been building that day.  Terror, rage, etc.  I remember running out of the ward and just starting to punch the wall out of disbelief.  Friends and family tried to console me, but for that minute or so, I was just shut off and running on pure emotion. 

(inner editor’s voice) *cough* where are you going with this?

Anyway, the emotional wave finally crested and I was able to get myself back under control.  The whole family went back out to the waiting room to wait for the next step.  We started talking about dad.  It’s strange, how many details of that night I can remember, but then some I can’t.  Someone made a joke about something dad used to do.  it might've been me.  regardless, laughing at that point felt so cleansing.  I helped ground me and realize that the clock on the wall continued to tick. 

I think it’s something similar with respect to a funeral as well.  There is a time and place to be one with your grief and let your emotions flow (ok, perhaps not to the wall-punching level, I admit) and to pay your respects.  But I think at a certain point in time, grief needs to be reigned in, and humor does a really good job of doing that.  It tries to remind us that no matter how terrible of a sorrow we’ve been through, that none of it should discount or lessen the good things that have come before it.  I think if we spend too much time grieving that we can sort of “disrespect” those who have passed. 

Humor at that point in time needs to be handled by a semi-professional though.  You have to wait for the right moment.  You don’t want to take attention away from the ceremony.  But there comes a time when things have settled enough.  There’s a kind of still in the air.  Some of the “fringe” relatives and loved ones may have already left, and the “core” loved ones remain.  If you time it right, and do it with enough care and love behind it, it can really turn into a joyous situation.  I know following my dad’s funeral, my cousins and I got pretty laugh-winded, sharing classic Dad stories.  And even joking about things not even related to Dad.  Same thing occurred at Scott’s father’s memorial dinner.  Like I said above, ….

Wow, great spot to get pulled away by work…Umm…yeah…anyway, no matter how bad we feel at the time of the funeral or memorial or the passing, I see humor as life’s way of reminding us that time keeps on moving along, and we’d best make the best of it while we can. 

What to say…

Jennifer says I need to blog more. So…yeah…guess I need to come up with more stuff to blog about.

I’m trying out Windows Live Writer.  It’s supposed to make blogging easier.  We’ll see.  It’s got lots of tools which I’ll probably never use.

 

For now here’s a map of where I work.  hooray!!!

Perception vs. Reality

I have a problem. "HA!", you say, "and this is news how?" or do you? maybe you say "Oh cool! Chris has figured out something else about himself!"

That's kinda my point. Perception vs. Reality. Perception is like a pair of glasses with multiple, multi-color, variable prescription lenses. Looking at Reality through these special glasses can warp, distort, discolor, etc what Reality actually is. Not having a clear true view of Reality and relying on our Perception of it can lead us to unnecessary anxiety or irrational expectations.

So, in the example above, trying to guess what people would say is based on Perception. The first "negative" response is based on the Perception that I talk about my problems alot, which probably annoys people since that's all I seem to talk about, so therefore they would probably react in a manner similar to what I put. The second "positive" response is based on a different Perception that everybody enjoys reading my posts about my personal struggles and that they'd be happy that I've made a new "discovery". Which one's right? Which one's wrong? Does it matter?

Well, let's take a step back and look at the Reality. This is the tricky part, at least for me. This requires you to be able to recognize when you still have the Perception glasses on, and recognize when you still have one of it's distorting lenses flipped down over your eye. I've been trying to work on this since last weekend, and I've noticed times where I thought I'd flipped up all of the lenses and was seeing the Reality, when actually there was still a couple layers of slightly distorting lenses flipped down that were tweaking my view of Reality just slightly. (note: that whole last sentence was one massive analogy, but I didn't feel like putting ""'s around all the "facets" of it. seriously, I love ""'s, and can't seem to stop "using" them)

Anywho, back to looking at the Reality from the first example. Let's try to find the Reality. First off, I can't predict whether anyone will read this post or not. so how can I try to predict how people will respond to it? And even if, for some reason, I was able to predict that x number of people were going to read this post, how could I truly predict how they would react to it? In Reality, should I even give a crap about whether or not anybody reads this? No. I should be writing these for myself, and if someone happens to read it, so be it :) and if they happen to take something from it, so be it :) and if they think I'm full of BS and should stop writing about my crap, so be it :) The Reality is, it's not all that important anyways.

So, there it is, that's what's been on my mind lately. Trying to make myself recognize what is my Perception of a person/situation/event vs. what's the actual Reality of it.

Appreciation

I appreciate...

• that the weather has been beautiful this week.
  
• the taste of a Robek's Strawnana Berry smoothie and a DiBella's turkey sub.
  
• being able to get up in the morning, make my breakfast, watch the news, get showered and go to work.
  
• being able to come home after work, make dinner, chat with friends online and channel surf
  
• having full use of my mental and physical faculties.
  
• my intelligence and my sense of humor.
  
• my friends who care about me.
  
• Jennifer, Dan, Rachel, Jen, Todd, Kathy, Scott, Garland, Denise, Jodi, Amy, Mike, Jennette, David, Sharon.
  
• the fact that I can go to a store and buy most anything I feel like, without having to be concerned about paying my bills.
  
• the fact that I'm not in debt.
  
• that I'm respected at my job.
  
• that I am very competent at what I do.
  
• that I have freedom at my job to do things the way I see fit.
  
• that I have a short drive to work.
  
• that I have a nice apartment
  
• that I have nice furniture
  
• that I have a large collection of movies and video games
  
• the fact that I can be 32 years old and still enjoy playing video games
  
• the fact that I have the freedom to do what I want with my free time
  
• a walk in Liberty Park, or the South Chagrin Reservation
  
• all the parks and trails that we have throughout northeast ohio
  
• my family
  
• Mom, Caryn, Joe, Ben, Will, Molly, Connie, Don, Darlene, Andy, Barbara, Sam, DeNiece, Thelma, Cindy, Kay, Ralph, Craig, Carol, Katie, Annie, Grace, Victor, Cary
  
• having a fan for when I feel hot
  
• being able to drink clean cold water when I'm thirsty
  
• having the foresight to be able to study myself and learn from my mistakes and grow as a person
  
• having had a father for 30 years of my life
  

...More to come later

Update 3:16 pm

• sending good morning emails to Jodi, Rachel, Denise, Jennifer, Scott and Garland
  
• sending Time Check emails to Jodi
  
• making Jennifer cry now and then
  
• making Jennifer hard type
  
• "therapy" emails/ims with Jennifer
  
• hours-long phone conversations with Jen
  
• acting random and goofy just because I can
  
• having a blog where I can dump whatever thoughts are in my head
  
• music
  
• finding new music I've never heard before but really like
  
• finding classic music I've never heard before but really like
  

omfg

Taking a break from my content as of late to post this video...I'm amazed

Optimism (Anxiety Part 2)

Where does Optimism come from? what gives some people the ability to see something that's still formative, new, or unknown as a potential success? Are we born with optimism as a child and can lose it as we grow into adults? I really don't know how to answer those. I look back, and I have a hard time seeing whether or not I've been an optimistic person. I think as time went by and "bad" things happened to me (and by bad I just mean unfavorable or difficult or trying) my natural anxious tendencies kicked in. But I don't know. maybe optimism is too black/white of a concept? maybe optimism isn't what I should be striving for, but just realism. trying to take a rational view of the future, and accepting that some things could go bad or good, and give them equal weighting. I'll edit/post again when I think of more.

Update: Good comment from Glittergirl..."i think folks like us are more sensitive to stuff, and it's hard at times, but it's also a gift. we see a lot of beauty in things others miss."

This kind of highlights my point but not in the way she intended. That statement, at it's core, is one of positivity. Calling it a "gift" and being able to see the "beauty" in things. I had to stop and think for a second, because that's not I would see it at first. What is different about her brain, her experiences, her life, and my own, that leads us to those different viewpoints? We've both been through hardships in our lives, so it can't be that. Maybe she wants to believe that more than I do? Something about her allows her to appreciate the positive side of things. Maybe those of us with the "worry gene" as she put it over time develop the ability to say "fuck it" and take away some of the worry gene's important or effect?

Something else I've thought of is that I may have gotten my hopes too high early on in life and those unrealistic expectations were dashed enough times to make me "gun-shy" to having even realistic or rational expectations. Somewhere along the line I got hooked on the idea that good things happen to good people. I wish I could remember when and where I got that concept and in what context, because I think that's been a big problem for me. I think my negativity towards the future and the unknown is a mix of frustration that I'm not getting what I "deserve" for having done the "right" things in my life, and too many dashed unrealistic hopes that led me to make the deduction that hopes and dreams generally get dashed...

I dunno. Will post more as thoughts come to mind.

Anxiety

So, I had an anxiety attack this week. I've started seeing someone new. Things were going pretty darn well at the start, better than most of my previous relationships have started. But I still ended up having an anxiety attack. As I've done before, I let my mind wander and get caught up in the emotions of the moment, and started to project into the future. For some reason, the future to me is full of fear and potential disappointment. I'm not sure why I do it. I'm hoping that by typing out this blog post that maybe I'll get a glimmer of a clue. Anyways, I started projecting to the future that we're going to end up in a relationship, and that I'm not going to feel as strongly about her as she feels about me, and that I'm going to have to disappoint her and hurt her feelings or break her heart. I flipped out and nearly ended the relationship. We were able to talk and I let her know about some of my problems, and I think things are better now. But the stigma's still there. So, why can't I be optimistic about the future? I can't control what's going to happen, but I also can't expect things to go wrong. I dunno. Anyways,I'm going to take a break for now. I'll write a follow-up later or in the morning.

Update #1: Whitey makes a great point in his comment "The only thing I can tell you is that after I faced the scary moments, wether they turned out in my favor or against, I didn't have to be afraid anymore. It was over..." That initial hurdle for me feels insurmountable somedays. When it's something I have to face alone, I buckle. If it's something I'm doing in a social situation with people I feel comfortable with, I have more strength inside, or I don't give a shit nearly as much about how things will turn out. when I'm on my own, I lose faith in myself, or I fear the outcomes too much. More updates to come as things pop into my head

My Johari Window

Arena (known to self and others) caring, intelligent, logical, silly	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, accepting, adaptable, clever, complex, dependable, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, kind, knowledgeable, loving, mature, modest, observant, reflective, relaxed, searching, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) introverted	Unknown (known to nobody) bold, brave, calm, cheerful, confident, dignified, energetic, extroverted, idealistic, independent, ingenious, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, religious, responsive, self-assertive, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense

Dominant Traits

60% of people agree that copaX is caring

All Percentages

able (10%) accepting (10%) adaptable (10%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (60%) cheerful (0%) clever (30%) complex (20%) confident (0%) dependable (10%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (20%) giving (30%) happy (10%) helpful (30%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (10%) introverted (0%) kind (10%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (10%) loving (10%) mature (10%) modest (10%) nervous (0%) observant (10%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (30%) relaxed (20%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (50%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (10%) sensible (30%) sentimental (20%) shy (10%) silly (10%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (10%) warm (30%) wise (10%) witty (30%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 30.4.2008, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view copaX's full data.

Lyrics

"I wanna get lost in my life sometimes
sit on the side and watch the world go by
I wanna get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes I wanna get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes I wanna get lost and just dream for a while"

"I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?"

Blizzard of Aught 8

The view this morning when I got up..

(note the far left white car. See that stick like thing sticking up out of the snow? Yeah, that's my snow shovel which I had left outside. Someone conveniently borrowed it last night to try to dig themselves out, but didn't bother to put it back. Needless to say the shovel stays inside from now on)

And here's the view this evening, after an hour or so of shoveling 2-3 foot drifts and some thawing thanks to the wonderful sunshine.

Random

I don't know where this is gonna go, just kind of a free association post...

Life's like a river.

I've heard a few people tell me that, jennifer for example, and I've read some books that refer to it that way.

Sometimes it's calm and peaceful..

(source)

..and other times not so much

(source)

There's this sense that we have more control over the flow of this river than we really do. We try to paddle or swim, or redirect the flow, but all we end up doing is wasting our energy and getting ourselves frustrated. Would it be nice if the river flowed through that beautiful valley over there?

(source)



Sure would. Will it? Maybe, maybe not. Should we let ourselves get upset if it doesn't? Only if you thrive on frustration, which last time I checked most (normal) people don't. (I gotta admit, I've known at least one person in my life who did, oddly enough). So, what can we do? Things would be really cool if we ended up in the pretty valley. What we have to do is make the best out of what we have. We have to make the most out of the path that the River of Life ends up taking us. Sure things could be better. But who's to say there's not another valley up ahead that's just as pretty, maybe even prettier.

Ok, so we can get our hopes up that around the next bend will be another valley right? If you're the gambling type, then go for it. But wouldn't it be a bit more peaceful, and maybe even more fun honestly, to just ride along with the flow and see what happened? Not have expectations about what's around the bend, just have a keen interest to see what's there. For better or worse, just patiently wait and see what's around the bend. Not like we should just close our eyes, lay back and blindly float down the river. A) you still have to make some minor course corrections here and there to avoid the rocks and the shallow sections and B) where's the fun in that?


That's like taking a long car trip sitting in the backseat of a station wagon with your nose buried in books the whole way. I should know, that's how I lived most of my childhood. Anytime we went anywhere, I had to make sure I had toys or books or games that I could do along the way. I ended up missing a lot of life by doing that. I also ended up with a rather horrible sense of direction, that I'm still trying to overcome in my adult life. (thank GOD for GPS units). I had a point somewhere around here I was aiming for....hmm, must've fallen under the desk. Ah, there it is. Anyways, the point is to open your eyes and be witness to where the River of Life ends up taking you. When it's pretty or not so pretty, there's still much to be learned from where it takes us.

UPDATE: Music recommendation. Yael Naim - Endless Song of Happiness. Listen to it.

it's batTERies, not batTRies, ya bloody wankah!

and there were no pieces of wood on fire, so where's this supposed "torch" he speaks of...god, you'd think he was a foreigner or something

Glittergirl's famous!

Sorry glittergirl, but I took your video down for a while. It loaded up everytime my blog loaded and kept freaking me out.

Glittergirl's WKYC Page of Famousosity

Some things change...

some things stay the same.

a looooooong time ago I gave eharmony a try. Well, some friends of mine are in burgeoning relationships, so I thought, "You know what, I've gone through alot of personal development in the past couple of years. Maybe I've changed enough to be a better match for someone." So, I went through the peronality test again. I cleared my mind and just went with my gut and answered the questions honestly. At least, 3 years later, eharmony doesn't appear to reject people outright. This time I was allowed to upload a photo, so I thought there was a chance. Got in, and was presented with my "home page". 0 matches :)

I'm actually sitting here smiling about it, chuckling.



I've been reading books about Taoism lately, trying to find some inner peace and happiness. Guess that's why this isn't really bothering me that much. Last time this happened, I reacted a little bit differently :)

For those curious about Taoism, I recommend reading The Tao of Pooh I'd get into details, just take my advice and read it. it's a short book, easy read.

Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures

Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures

Interesting site concept. Basically if you run across a memory card or camera with pictures on it, you send a couple in that would be the most identifiable and hopefully through the power of teh intarwebs and good old word of mouth, they can be reunited with their proper owner.

I think it'd be fascinating to find someone else's pictures like that. Does that make me voyeuristic? That I want to see other people's pictures? I don't have any ulterior motives, I'm just fascinated at seeing how other people live their lives compared to mine. I also have the same problem when I'm riding in a car in the evening down a street with alot of houses. I tend to try to look into the living rooms where the lights are on and the curtains/blinds are open. Not because I want to spy on them, it's just merely curiosity's sake. I tend to think things like "Wow, the average television size has gotten insanely big." or "That's a very interesting way to have your living room setup."

I also have started going to the Art section of Borders, and checking out as many of the Post Secret books as I can, looking to see if anyone left their own postcard in it, like I've read stories about people doing. No luck yet, but I'll be sure to let everyone know when I do.

Amaryllis Update

Here's where the Amaryllis started back on 12/26



And here it is today

You Suck at Photoshop

Be sure to check the Related Videos for parts 2 through 5

Hmmm...

You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!

by Mark Twain

With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

My Birthday Weekend - A Play in Three Acts

Also, new pictures have been added to the Flickr Zeitgeist on the right

Act 1:


Act 2:


Act 3:

An open letter to my father

Hi dad,

It's that time of year again. I figured I'd try to get some of the stuff out of my head and into the blog, see if that helped me any. I miss you so desperately, dad. I just wish I could sit down with you face to face and talk. I wish I could hug you again, and tell you I loved you. I wish I could show you around my apartment, show you what I've done with it, have you tell me all the things I need to be careful of. I wish you were home with mom so she wasn't alone. I wish you could give me advice on how to be a better manager at work. I hope I've lived up to your name. I know I'm not perfect, but I just hope that I've taken everything you gave me and have put it to good use in becoming the man I am today. I just want to hear your voice telling me you're proud of me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you a grandson to carry on the copac name before you passed, but I know that ben and will carry on the copac spirit at least. I have trouble remembering much of our past together, I don't know if I've blocked it out in the past couple years or what. I hope that someday I'll be able to remember more of our life together. I wish I could've had the chance to help you with your anxiety in the same ways I try to do it now in my own life. Dad, I'm trying so very very hard to become a better person. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to not feel so alone and lost anymore. I have alot of good friends in my life, and I try very hard to take care of them. I know how important that was to you, taking care of other people. But even with all of these good people, I still feel so alone without you. I feel very lost and without direction. I'm trying to find my way without you here to lead me, but it's really hard, dad. It's the second hardest thing I've had to do besides saying good-bye to you. I'm trying, dad, I hope you know that. I'm trying really hard. I screw up, and I take steps backwards, but I'm still trying. god, dad, I miss you so much.

My wishlist

People have been bugging me to make a wishlist. I guess people for some reason want to buy me things. I don't know why. Doesn't make sense to me. anywho... here's my wishlist :-P

My wishlist

Software Request

There may be something out there that does this, but I haven't had the time or luck to find it yet. I've found a bunch of list software, but no luck finding something like this.

I'm looking for some kind of list management software. Each item in the list just has it's position in the list, relative to the rest. 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. No priorities, nothing like that. First item entered is #1, second is #2 and so on. Then you can click and drag an item to move it from position #3 to the top of the list, or anywhere in the list really.

I've tried using Microsoft OneNote, but it just doesn't fit what I'm trying to accomplish.

Bonus features:
- Ability to enter a list item as a simple sentence, then expand the item and enter more details or benchmarks about the item, then collapse it back down into the simple sentence description
- Windows Mobile version would roxxors my soxxors.

If anybody that reads this blog knows of something like this, I'd appreciate a point in the right direction.

Journal Entry - January 15, 2008

"I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between"
-What It's Like - Everlast

There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world"
-Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder


Let's see...what happened today. Not a whole lot besides alot of snow. I was able to give somebody some good news at work today, so that was a nice switch compared to the past week or so. Honestly, I can't really thinkg of anything else "journal"ish to write. So I'll just go off on a tangent for a while..

I picked the first set of lyrics above for two reasons. A) it's what was playing on the Shoutcast station I was listening to as I worked on this post and B) It seemed like a good way to describe how life should be treated. Not so much from the pure irony standpoint the lyrics seem to take, but more from the standpoint that expectations are a tricky thing.

I picked the second set of lyrics above also for two reasons a) it's the second song that's come on since I've been working on this post and B) it kinda helps to remind me that life's unfair, and you gotta get over it.

Ok, enough with the lyrics, let's get down to the nitty gritty here. I didn't like the tone of my frustrations post the other day. I have this problem where I get caught up in this irrational idea that because I'm a supposed "good" guy and that I follow the rules and do what I'm "supposed" to do that I'm entitled to something as a result of it. I've tried to figure out where I got that idea from, but at this point I'm not really even sure if that would make much difference. Maybe it's just from being too logical of a thinker and looking at cause and effect so much throughout my life up until now. I dunno. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to counteract it. I should be able to accept what life gives me and make the best of it. and not get caught up in expectations and feeling due something. I guess that's kinda why I'm doing this again, this whole blogging thing, to try and document these times like these and try to work out in my head where I went wrong and try to find a way to make changes. I feel a little weird putting this out in the public like this, but I think it's necessary. I think I need to own up to my actions more and not just write them off. So any readers out there, feel free to call me on my shit now and then

frustrations

this post may sound whiny or bitchy, but I don't really care. Part of my resolution this year was to get myself to get stuff like this out and documented so that I can hopefully learn something from it and make myself a better person. This here is one of those such posts.

frustration is something that has a firm grasp on my life. Here's a list of the things that caused me frustration today: (Please note, I'm not justifying or rationalizing these things, I'm merely listing them)

• a good friend is getting married. someone I had a crush on for a while but never acted upon
  
• a project a former employee of mine was working on needs to be completed, and I found out that he didn't complete nearly as much of it as he had claimed
  
• a good friend who's going through some job difficulties, who I've been trying to support and be a good friend to, opened up to someone else who has more..ulterior motives behind being their for her.
  
• somebody cut me off on the way home.
  
• I spent a couple hours last night going through personal ads and not getting any replies.
  

ok, first off, most of these things shouldn't be causing me frustration. I can see that now, but when those events occurred, my first reactino was that of frustration. Either out of jealousy, or a sense of "unfairness". I shouldn't feel that I'm owed anything, but I do. Anyways, I'm going to watch some tv and chill out for a while. I'll come back later and edit this post with some more thoughts and musings.

Journal Entry - January 14, 2008

Need to play some catchup this morning:

Friday - busy day at work. After work I went over to my cousin's house to work on her and her husband's wireless network. I had set it up for them last year and for some reason it stopped working for them. I have no idea what happened to it, but the router was making a high-pitched whine that changed frequency depending on whether or not a pc was plugged into it or not. That being beyond my scope of tech support, I suggested we buy a new router. Put the new router in and they were good to go. After that I showed my cousin how to synchronize music to her new cell phone. then I tried to get their new road runner accounts setup, but stupid RR would say their password was valid on their account management site, but not on their webmail site nor through POP access. whatever. Then I showed them how to burn cds in iTunes. After that it was about 11 and I headed home.

Saturday - slept in until 11ish, got up and did some straightening up. the Doors (Scott and Garland for those that don't know them) came up and we hung out. We went to best buy, did some shopping. I picked up Geometry Wars for the DS (highly recommended for DS owners). Then we went back to my apartment and watched Shoot 'Em Up. Very fun cheesy action movie. No real deep plot, just alot of over the top action. After the Doors left, I watched Shortbus, a movie recommended by my surrogate girlfriend Jen (NOT Jennifer "glittergirl" Charlton, this is a different Jen). And by surrogate I mean, not my girlfriend, we're just good friends that talk on the phone almost everyday like a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. But we're not, and she already has a bf, and even if she didn't, things wouldn't work out between us. So yeah, that was a tangent, anyways, back to the movie. It was this odd artsy kind of movie revolving around this couples counselor/sex therapist who's never had an orgasm. It's a pretty graphic movie, but I thought it was really interesting. It explored a bunch of different people and their quests for finding themselves basically. If you're open-minded and don't get freaked out easily when it comes to sex (hetero and otherwise), I think it's worth a watch.

Sunday - Got up early for some reason. Ok, so it was 9, but for me that's early on a weekend. I got motivated and did dishes, washed my cpap mask, started laundry, tore down some cardboard boxes and took a whole car load of cardboard up to the recycle dropoff. Got a call from Todd and Kathy inviting me out to go shopping with them. We went up to Value City. I picked up 3 pairs of jeans, a couple sweatshirts, and a pair of shoes. Came home, and just kinda shut down for the rest of the evening.

So there's my weekend wrapup.

"Are you ticklish?"

boredboredboredboredbored

I'm at work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I'm burned out from this week. All the stress from the bad news, plus I've been extra busy lately trying to pick up some of the programming slack. And right now, I'm just spent. I'm trying to think of a way to cruise through the last hour and 9 minutes of the day. so here I am blogging about nothing. Nope, nothing at all. kinda like seinfeld. "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" wonder how many different ways I can come up with to indicate nothing..

nothing
nada
zip
zero
zilch
nein
negatory
non
empty
void
transparent
blank
...

I'm stumped, that's about all I can come up with. well that wasted about 3 minutes.

Out of body experiences

There are nights when im turning off the lights in the apartment, and starting my routine preparations for bed when im struck by a thought. All of a sudden its like im finally slowing down enough to the point that reality catches up to me. All of a sudden the realization hits that im living on my own, something that hasn't been the case for 31+ years of my life. And the realization also strikes me that my father is still gone and will never come back. And those realizations act like a chill down my spine and I suddenly feel like a child who's lost and alone. After a few seconds the feeling goes away. Some nights it leaves a lingering sadness behind. I just had one tonight, and the sadness is hanging on. I think because its coming up on the 2nd anniversary of dad passing that they're lingering. Only tonights different because a new thought has struck me. I wonder if mom has moments like these and if they're any worse than mine. Sorry for the depressing post, just needed to get it off my chest.

For any single women...

or friends of single women...or people who know single women...

Girl Guide to Geeks


Sure alot of it's stereotypical, but there may be some gems of truth in there too