Journal Entry - January 10th, 2008 (now with 100% more pictures!)

Wednesday - I got the desk finished, and got the chair put together. Boy I thought the desk was tricky, but the chair was a royal pain in the ass. But the desk is in place, the computer is setup on it, and no longer setup on a rubbermaid container, and the office is looking like an office, and less like a room full of boxes. I can now do "office" type stuff in there like paying bills, filing paperwork, updating my financial software.

Thursday - This has been a really long week. There's more work developments looming in the near future. I'm just trying to make it to the weekend so I can unwind a little. Took some pictures of the new office additions,also a new picture of the amaryllis project. My time-lapse movie project was a failure, literally. Had a power outage which turned off my pc the webcam was connected to, and subsequently wiped out the frames that the software had already captured up until then. It was a nice idea, but I think I'll have more fun just enjoying the plant as it is.

Hang Ten

C'monnn...just gotta ride this crashing wave a little bit further so I can make it shore....

Journal Entry - January 8th, 2008

The desk and accompanying office chair have been completed. The chair was a real bitch, so I'll get pictures in the morning (if I remember). Other than that, it was a pretty quiet day. This weather is pretty crazy, even for Ohio. 10 degrees last week, 60 degrees today and yesterday, supposed to be in the 30s and snowing again next week. It was a very nice break in winter though. I think if we had more of these warm streaks like this, maybe we'd all be better off emotionally without so much of the "winter blahs" Once every couple of weeks having a day that you can roll the windows down on the way to and from work sounds like a good idea to me.

Journal entry - January 7th, 2008

Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how yould cou leave and not take me.

-The Mamas And The Papas


Today was a stressful monday. The bad news that I mentioned in a previous journal entry was delivered today. It wasn't my decision overall, but I was put in the position of deciding who got the bad news. Thankfully I wasn't alone when I gave them the news. That would've been very difficult for me to do. Even though I didn't have much choice in the matter, it still bothers me that I had to negatively impact someone's life in that way. Hopefully the person in question will end up ok in the long run.

Not much else happened today. After the drama of the morning, I laid low for the most part.

I started working on the desk last night, got the bulk of the structure put together, still have to put the drawers together. Oh! Imagine my joy when I barely make it past step two out of 20-odd steps when I see I'm missing a "hidden cam." I wasn't happy. thankfully I was able to find a spot that it wouldn't have much structural effect. Hopefully in the next couple of days when I'm not so wiped out I can get the desk put together and finally make my office into an actual office rather than a room with boxes and a computer setup on a rubbermaid container ;-)

Journal Entry - January 6th, 2008

I've already screwed up my resolution this year, and it's only the 6th of january. Oh well :) Anyways, I've decided to stop numbering the journal entries and just put the date on them. So, onto to a weekend recap journal entry..

Friday...what happened friday...Not a whole heck of a lot.

Saturday...Slept in until noon. Guess I was tired. Got together with Todd and Kathy in the evening. We went to the new BW3's in Aurora for dinner. Good food, nice place. Then we did some shopping in the area. I went to Target and got myself a Rubik's Revolution (see prior journal entries). Went to Circuit City and picked up season 2 of Stargate Atlantis. I've been hooked on watching the first season. The circuit city in aurora has really lacking inventory. It's the nearest electronics store to the apartment. Maybe I'll luck out and they'll open a new best buy in aurora/twinsburg/solon ;-) Went to Dick's trying to find an OSU shirt to wear to work on Monday and to wear monday night while I watch the big game, they didn't have anything that looked big enough. Todd got some surround sound speakers. Then I came home and watched more Stargate Atlantis. Started to notice my ear was ringing, not sure if it was from checking out the speakers with Todd or if it's a remnant of the cold/flu bug.

Sunday...got up around nine, called mom and got setup with her. I went home and got her xmas lights and extension cords wrapped up and put away, helped her bring the rest of thexmas decorations down from upstairs, got them stashed away in the basement, and helped her pick up sticks in the front yard and loaded them onto the trailer while she drove the tractor. After that I went to Wal-Mart and picked up a computer desk and computer chair finally, along with Shoot Em Up on dvd and Stargate Atlantis season 3. Had a heck of a time getting the chair and desk into my car, but I was able to get things jammed in, and had the trunk lid held down by the cargo netting, since it wouldn't close. Got back to the apartment and got the desk and chair unloaded, then went back out to giant eagle to pick up some things and prescriptions. Got back to the apartment, got the car unloaded again, and now I'm sitting down watching football. Got some pizza hut ordered online, since I'm exhausted.

so there ya go, now I'm back up to date with my journaling :-P

Journal Entry #3 - January 3rd, 2008

Today didn't start off too well. I had trouble sleeping, woke up at 5, and for the life of me couldn't get back to sleep. And my acid reflux seemed to be riled up too. I was just laying awake waiting for 7:30 to come so I could have an excuse to be awake. After I got showered and dressed, I remembered I forgot to take my morning pills. So I go to the pillbox and notice my pills are still there from last night. *proverbial smack on the forehead* Well that explains all that. I took both the evening and morning meds this morning and made my way into the office. Of course I had to dig out the car first. I've only had to dig out twice so far this winter, but I'm really tired of winter already.
Made it to work, and was really feeling out of whack physically, probably from the meds. Proceeded to take down the xmas lights around the office, since it was my first day back since the holidays. Everybody else followed suit and we got the area back to normal.
Then the fun began. Got some bad news from the boss. I'm gonna try to avoid going into any details on work-related things like that, just to avoid any potential problems. Let's just say it was bad news. After that I spent the majority of the day working on a rush report request, had to take a late lunch. So, late lunch, work stress, and med funkiness left me a bit of a wreck for the rest of the afternoon. But I tried to keep my cool about it all, and realize I was just having a shitty day and could only do so much about it. I've kinda stumbled upon a new mantra i'm trying to employ. "Find the/your peace" or "Find the/your calm" It's still a mantra-in-progress. My weakness is getting caught up in the moment and letting things snowball on me. I'm hoping the new mantra will help me find a way to defuse those stressful times a bit. Gotta find something until my free therapist can squeeze me in again, since her schedule's gotten a bit busy lately :) (KIDDING!)
I came home, thought about breaking out the leftover irish creme mom made for new year's, but decided against it. I've been drinking when stressed a little too much lately. Instead I plopped down in the recliner, turned on the heat and massage and just chilled, watching Law and Order Criminal Intent, and a little bit of SVU, but then switched over to the bowl game.
I have to do rollout tonight. Hopefully it goes smoothly and tomorrow will be more of a quieter day. I'm thankful it's friday tomorrow, but it kinda stinks that i'm already wishing it was here, after only being back to work for a day :-P

Journal Entry #2 - January 2nd, 2008

Today was a very quiet day. I'd already taken the day off as part of my extended New Year's Eve vacation, but had I not had it off already I would've taken it as a sick day. I spent most of the day in bed trying to kick this flu/cold/whatever I've had since Saturday. Didn't really do a whole lot. I've learned over this 6 day "weekend" that weekday morning television is an absolutely wasteland. There's a predominance of "Judge" shows. There was even one I saw today called Jury Duty. The concept is there's three "celebrities" that have to deliberate the usual small claims crap that the "judge" shows deal with. The "hook" (seriously, can I use quotation marks anymore in this post? Let's find out!) is that the "jurors" (HA! I knew it! more quotes!) get to ask questions. as in during the normal proceedings, the "jury" (they can't be stopped!) asks questions. Then they show them deliberating (I almost used the quotes there, but they're getting old). I dunno, but if I had to stay home during the day and try to find something to watch, I'd probably read more. Wait, that'd be a good thing.
Anyways, back to my "journal" entry for the day (look, I'm actually getting close to making the air quote sign in the air whenever I type these) I got the second half of Garland's xmas gift in the mail today. Went out this evening and shoveled my sidewalk so I wouldn't have to do it tomorrow morning before I head to work. Got about 6-7 inches worth of snow I think. This is the second time this winter that on the day after a bad snow I haven't had to go to work. This is both positive and negative. Positive because I don't have to worry about trudging through the snow. Negative because the snow crew here at the complex plow around my car and I have to dig it out.
I called home to check on mom, her back's still bothering her. She's waiting to call the doctor until she's supposed to go back to see him for some followup...in about a month. It bothers me that she's in pain, but I can't force her to do what she doesn't want to do, so I'll just keep asking her if she's called yet. Maybe it'll get to the point that she can't put up with it. At least the massage pad that Caryn and Joe got her for xmas is helping her relax in the evenings. I told her I'd try to get back home again this weekend to finish taking care of the xmas lights and the rest of her decorations.
I think that's about it. Gee, for such a quiet day I typed quite a novel.

Journal Entry #1 - January 1st, 2008

Well here's my first Journal entry of 2008. Got up around 9, went down to Mom's. I spent a couple hours getting her water filter replaced, replacing her garage door opener, and taking her christmas lights down. It was very windy, cold, and snowy by that point. I was trying to get them wound up and all put away but ran out of time, so I'll have to go back down again and finish that part of the job. I drove Mom over to Caryn and Joe's. We had appetizers to start. Then I started playing a new game I got them for christmas called Polarity. Basically the game is all about magnetism. I'll let you read the site rather than try to explain it. It's a really fun, unique game. After that we started playing with their new Rubik's Revolution It looks like a Rubik's cube, but it's not, it's 6 different electronic games that revolve around pushing lighted buttons inside the centers of each of the 6 sides of the cube. I'll probably be picking both of those up someday. After that I laid down on the couch and passed out for a few hours, not sure how long. this flu/cold's really kicking my butt, and I don't think I did it any good going out and taking down the lights today, but they needed to get done. We had dinner (pork, sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, corn) and I got Mom home. Driving home from Ravenna at about 5:30, the snow was horrible, there weren't any lanes on the road, I think I made a top speed of 30 mph. Finally got home, trudged my way through the foot of snow blown against my apartment door, dropped my bags, got into my pjs and just sat down and started to decompress. Mom sent me home some irish cream, so I may partake of that here in a few. I'm thankful I've got the day off tomorrow, because I really don't feel like going back to work yet. I need another day of nothing to recharge the batteries.

my new year's resolution

  Hadn't really thought about a new year's resolution until today,
   when it hit me that I should try journaling again.  So, the first
   attempt is going to using the blog as my journal.  My goal is to
   write something about my day every night.  No length requirements,
   just something every day.  I'm hoping that it'll help me work out
   personality trends, help me with my memory, etc.

my recipe

The Recipe For copaX

3 parts Attractiveness 2 parts Passion 1 part Vigor Splash of Seductiveness Sip slowly on the beach

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

my new album

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post. Also, pass it along in your own journal/blog because it's more amusing that way.

Amaryllis project day 1

Amaryllis project day 1
Originally uploaded by chrisohio0122

Got an amaryllis from my sister for christmas. As long as I keep remembering ill take a picture of it and document its progress

motivation

motivation
Originally uploaded by chrisohio0122

Steve haz it

Xmas 2007 Pictures

CIMG0461
Originally uploaded by chrisohio0122

Click here to see Pictures from Xmas 2007

Main Page - LOLCat Bible Translation Project

Main Page - LOLCat Bible Translation Project


22. & Ceiling Cat sented them hais, and stuff, so letz u be happy and stuff. & sed all u aminals & burdiez & fishz go has baby aminals & brrdz & fishz & dont worry i wont watch u has sexxes.

FREEBIRD!!! *waves lighter*

Apartment Pictures

The Living Room: I've got two recliners, one I inherited from my great aunt after she passed, and the other I got new. It's got hidden compartments in the arms for holding remote controls and drinks and has built-in massagers and heat. And it's soft and comfy to boot! I'm currently using one of the storage bins I bought to move with as an end table. Once I get my couch in (sometimes after 9/14) I'll get some real end tables and a coffee table.



The Dining Room - Mom got this table for the basement, and had her 4 antique chairs around it, but when I moved out she gave me the table. I bought 4 chairs that surprisingly match it pretty decently. It's a nice table, and sturdy chairs. Will work well if I ever have anybody over for dinner.




The Kitchen - Good sized kitchen. The crock pot's not mine, it contained housewarming food from the Paridon's, and I've yet to get it back to them. In the corner of the counter is the appliance that will be used the most in my apartment, the Toaster Oven. Actually, it's a Convection oven, it can toast, bake, it can cook full-sized frozen pizzas. It's a handy little device, next to the Foreman Grill.



The Hallway - To the right of the Living Room. Kitchen is on the left, not in the view. The "Office" is the door on the right. Utility room is the first door on the left, Bathroom is the door after that, and Bedroom is at the end of the hall.



The Office - Full of unpacked boxes and empty bookshelves for the time being. Eventually I'll put a computer desk and chair in here and turn it into an office. The Office is towards the end of the to-do list.



The Utility Room - New washer and dryer, turns out to be the same control layout as my mom's so I don't have to learn a new set of controls :-P There's a laundry tub hidden by the washer.



The Bathroom - Note the toilet seat. Yes, this is a bachelor's apartment, thank you very much!



The Bedroom - Mom gave me her old bed and dresser. Lots of closet space, and a half bath which is currently housing the box from my new 40" tv from the living room.

So there you have it, that's my new apartment.

All moved in record time

Yay moving

The truck has been packed!

Moving day has arrived!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the secret to life

http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/allmenareliars/archives/2007/07/ferris_buellers.html

pretty interesting read. I agree with the majority of the points made.

"I sort of watched myself from inside. I realized it was ridiculous being afraid, worrying about everything, wishing I was dead, all that shit. I'm tired of it. This is best day of my life."


I think I need to make that my new mantra.

I suck

My blog sucks ass right now. I've been told I'm a decent commenter on other blogs, but I can never find good topics to discuss on my own blog.

Therefore, I'm putting out a request. Maybe like a summons. Ok, I guess maybe it'd be more like american idol. Regardless, give me topics, and I will expound upon them...wait, that sounded dirty. I mean, I'll try to give you my take on them as best as I can and try to make it funny/interesting at the same time. Thanks in advance!

Am-I-Dumb.com - Are you dumb?

Why do the right thing?

Someone dumped a cat off in our neighborhood back before the winter. He started to hang around our house, we fed him, eventually brought him into the garage when the winters got really bad. Over time, my cat allergies never adapted to him, and my mom doesn't want another pet right now, so we're trying to do the right thing and give him the APL or Humane Society. But every one we've talked to so far keeps telling us they won't take him. Portage, Summit, Geauga counties all said no, and probably not for 2-3 months even, and this is after 3 weeks of making phone calls. So, the asshole that dropped him off and didn't care less gets away with their hands clean, and we're left to take care of the situation and for trying to do the right thing, we're paying for it. So, why do the right thing? If you say doing the right thing helps you sleep at night, guess what, it doesn't do me a lick of good anymore. I'm just getting really tired and fed up from having to put forth so much effort to do what's right, only to have some lazy asshole come along, cruise through, and give me more crap to try to make right. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing what's right, since it's burned into my dna for life, I'm just very frustrated right now. I realize that expecting to get anything for doing what's right is pointless, it just really irritates me when lazy/bad people have an easier time in life than those of us who give a damn.

bah humbug!

Don't mind me, just needed to vent, I'll be fine.

Jack Copac

Jack had to be put down Saturday morning. His liver had been failing, and his heart had gotten extremely weak. The vet suggested that he'd been throwing mini-strokes which had lead to dementia. He wasn't able to get up stairs, he was barely able to walk in general.

Jack was such a wonderful dog. He was in our family for close to 14 years. He was a gift to me when I was a senior in high school. He grew to become a family dog, though. He wasn't just mine. He and dad spent hours out working in the yard. He was very protective of his family and the household. His worst enemy was the "evil" UPS truck. Whenever he saw one drive down the street he would bark like crazy. He used to love jumping up on the back of the couch and watching the world go by. He'd also sit out on the deck and just smell the world.

He was an ornery son of a bitch too. He was very demanding of our time, and there were many times I yelled at him and told him to just leave me alone. I feel horrible for having yelled at him like that now, since I can't take those words back. He was just a dog for goodness' sake, he didn't know any better. I feel horrible for all the times he would bark at me for attention, and I would ignore him or yell at him.

Even though his last months/years were met with hardships and pain, I miss him so very very much right now. I miss the way he would incessantly (almost addictively) lick my legs when summer came around and I started to wear shorts. I miss how when I used to lay in bed on a sunday afternoon, and he had to be up on the bed with me, and laying across my chest. I miss throwing the ball across the living room and him fetching it. I miss how he would get a new squeaky toy and would play with them so much he'd break the squeaker. Whenever a guest would come over for a visit, if they were "good" people, he'd have to run and get a toy squeaking it incessantly, almost as a way of greeting them. I miss the different barks he had, and how I could tell just by the way he was barking what he wanted, whether it was food, a walk, or just attention.

It's quieter in the house now. Mom and I are able to do things we want to do for longer periods of time without him interrupting our plans. But it's not a good quiet, at least not yet. I miss you, Jackson. You be a good puppy up in heaven. Dad's waiting for you up there, you guys have alot of work to be done in the yard up there.

Movin' out - Part 2

Well, July 12th turned into June 27th. Just got back from walking through a model apartment. I applied for, and was accepted for, a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath apartment. My move-in date is 8/15. It'll be cleaned, painted, and have new carpeting, which'll be nice. So now I've gotta start packing, and shopping for furniture, and all of that fun stuff :)

New Blog Feature

I've added a new feature to my blog, it's a Google Reader widget (it's over on the right, underneath my ugly mug). I've gotten hooked on reading RSS feeds in Google Reader, and now whenever I see something I think would be interesting to any of my blog reader(s), I can click a button and it'll automagically show up in that little widget there.

Movin' out

I've started the process to move out. My best friend Scott (s-door) lives in Twinsburg in Deer Run apartments. I've gone up there to hang out with him practically every saturday, so I figured, what the hell, I'll get my own place up there. It's a nice area, midway between home and work, all the amenities close by. Not the fanciest of places, but I'm not the fanciest of guys, so what's the point. They're supposed to have one available to walk through on July 12th, so i'll check it out then. 2 bedrooms, either 1.5 or 2 baths, depending on which unit ends up being available. This is something I should've done years ago, but was either too afraid or too distracted by other things to make it happen. Hopefully I see it through this time.

Euler's Disk - fun for the whole family

Truth in advertising!

Razor - Foo Fighters

If I ever, ever, ever get to the point in my life that I can play this song, I will be able to die a happy man.

The 3rd brick building....you know...cause there's only one direction to count buildings

So I had an appointment at the cardiologists office. First off, got a little confused, they moved it from the Ravenna office to the "Expansion office next door" So I called today before I left work to make sure I knew where I was going. Obviously I was a little preoccupied being at work, so I didn't think twice when the receptionist said "You know where the Ravenna office is, right? Well that's the 2nd brick building, you just want the 3rd brick building" Not until I got there and realized "Hey wait...which direction do I count from?" Needless to say I counted the wrong direction, and went to the "1st" brick building, which was the "3rd" brick building the way *I* counted. I'll have to write a letter, get them to rearrange the buildings.
Anyways, got in to the proper building, had an ekg done, talked to the nurse practicitioner or physicians' assistant, whatver he was. He said my echo from last week looked ok, there was mild dialation of my right ventricle, and a few other technical things which he lost me on (pre-load vs. post-load pressures, you'd think I have a hydraulic system in there...oh wait) Anyways, the main thing he said was that there's nothing glaringly obvious that they're seeing that would make them say "Hey! that's probably what caused him to go into atrial fibrillation!" Which is both good and bad. On the good side, there's nothing major wrong with me. On the bad side, there's still the whole unanswered question of "Hey! what caused me to go into atrial fibrillation?" Sleep apnea is still a suspect at this point. And honestly I think I probably do have anea. With my sleep problems, and my lack of energy, the heart stuff, it all kinda adds up.
Which is a perfect segueway into my new life goal. I'm going to weigh 250 lbs within a calendar year. 03/07/08. That's about 50 lbs of weight loss (give or take 5 lbs), which works out to around 4-5 lbs weight loss a month. The NP/PA/WE said in his opinion if I got down to 250 I more than likely could get off the blood pressure medication. And it'd help me across the board. I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I'm getting fed up with these condtions that lead to tests that lead to no answers. Other than I'm fat which is not a good thing to be when you've got the family health history I have. So I'm sure some of you are asking "How do you plan to lose 50 lbs in 12 months?" I really don't know yet, other than I've gotta get more active. I need to walk more, gotta get back into hiking again. After I get back into exercise, then I'll worry about tweaking a diet.
So we'll see what happens. Maybe I can pull it off, maybe I can't. won't be the end of the world either way. At least I've got something in sight to strive for.

Brandywine Falls

Finally got outside for a bit this weekend. Garland, his mom, and I went to the covered bridge in Boston and Brandywine Falls to test out her new camera. I took a few pictures, and made the following YouTube vid of how much the falls was flowing thanks to the thaw. Hopefully spring shows up soon so I can get back out there and start hiking again.

Link to my Yahoo Photos

Another Movie/Radio Show Recommendation

I'm torn with this one. I'm not sure whether to recommend you watch the movie first, then check out the radio show, or the radio show first, then the movie. It's probably best that you check out the radio show to start. Either way, this is a wonderful movie to watch. Robert Altman directed it, and it was his last film actually. It's got a star studded cast, and it really does a great job of portraying the essence of the radio show, and of it's creator Garrison Keillor.


On a personal note, I've been promoted to Programming Manager, as Zak has spread his wings and flown to greener pastures. I've also had to deal with a bout of atrial fibrillation, where my heart just felt it was too good for beating like normal hearts do, and went for more of a syncopated or jazzy rhythm instead. Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, I was spared having to be shocked to get the heart back into step. At this point, things are still a little cloudy as to the cause. Sleep Apnea looks to be the odds on favorite for the time being, possibly aided and abetted by stress. Any who, I'm doing fine now, save for some nasty blueish/purplish bruises on my forearms due to failed IV draws, and a rather persistent and nagging sense of "When will I go into afib next?". Funny thing, when you go into afib, they tend to like to use large bore needles, something about needing to get the drugs in you that much quicker.

Go watch the movie above (and the one below if you still haven't yet), and we'll chat another day.

Little Miss Sunshine

Everyone needs to see this movie. And if they don't like it, well, then you need some help, I'm afraid.

Hahaha

This is a good test. if there's anybody that can watch this video without laughing....I'm not sure I want to know you anymore LOL

Chancho...

...when you are a man...sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room....Just for fun

Where I'm at

Figured since i hadn't blogged for a while, I'd make a post about where I'm at lately. I've been spending alot of time in my own head to be honest. I've been going to therapy for the past 2 months now. Therapy's been very eye-opening to me. I've learned alot about myself, and I've learned alot about Dad as a result. I've learned about the problems I have that need to be worked on. But as a result of this learning process I'm not the same person I was before I started. I've got clear goals in my life now, but I'm very confused as to how to accomplish them. Another thing that's resulted from going through therapy is that I've learned that I don't know who I am, or what I like. I've spent my entire life doing what other people liked in order to make them happy. And now I'm trying to find the things that truly make me happy. And I'm not having much luck yet. I feel like I'm an engine from a car. I've taken myself apart, down to the nuts and bolts. I've found the parts that were bad. I'm not sure how to fix them (or if they even need to be fixed), but on the other hand, I'm still in pieces as I'm trying to rebuild myself. And I'm also having more trouble coping with losing Dad. I never expected myself to be completely over it, but i had been handling it pretty well for a while. I think it's the season change. It's surprising how many "anniversaries" there are the year after you've lost a family member. You build yourself up for the big anniversaries (holidays, birthdays), but it's the little ones that sneak up on you. My oldest newphew, Ben, turned 13 a oouple of weeks ago. He's become such a great young man, and it was a good party to celebrate him, but it felt so strange and so different without Dad being there. My cousin is talking about her upcoming marriage, my other cousin and her new husband were sharing ideas with her sister. It really hammered home how much life can change and morph on you, regardless of whether you want it to or are prepared for it. I've had a hard time historically with change. I get into a groove, and don't change a thing from then on. Unfortunately, this year has pulled my eyes apart and shown me how quickly and significantly life can affect you. But that's the point of living. The point isn't to go through it safely with no worries about being hurt and never losing anything. You just can't do it. And trying to do it, makes you end up wasting the life you've been given. I've watched some of my friends really live their lives. And being there to be able to help them handle their fears and trepidations about the paths they're starting on has really shown me that even the people that I think are so much stronger than me are still human. The point isn't to not be afraid of life. The point is to see that the end of the road is so worth any bumps you may hit along the way. And going through those bumps just help to let you grow as a person. I've spent the first 30 years of my life being so worried about avoiding every bump possible, that I haven't lived. I've missed so much, and missed out on so much. And making the changes I need to start to really live my life are very scary changes. And they're changes that the way my brain is "wired" right now, it's screaming at me to just stop and go back to the way things used to be. I was "safe" back then, even though I wasn't safe. You can never really be safe. You can do as much as you can to keep yourself from being hurt physically/mentally/emotionally. But there's no way to completely avoid getting hurt. But as I said, that's the point of life. Ride the ride. It's gonna suck, and it's gonna be good. It may never be amazing for you like some other people's lives. But you've got to live your life, and they'll live their life.

wow, sorry to ramble. anyways, that's just the tip of the iceberg as to what's going on in my head these days. It's like I've gone through life with dark glasses on, and I'm trying to adjust to the light after having the glasses broken and finally deciding to throw away the frames. Here's hoping it doesn't blind me ;-)

Day on the Islands

I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Todd and Kathy Paridon invited me and Mom up to Kathy's mom's place up on South Bass Island. She's got a bunch of bedrooms, and rents some to people staying on the island.



We met up at the Paridon's house friday night after work. We caught the ferry over and met Kathy's mom, Nettie, who drove us to her place. We got settled and turned in for the night




Saturday we got up, had some breakfast, then hit the road for our tour of the island with Todd and Kathy. We walked around downtown, got some lunch, did some shopping. After the tour, we went back to the house to get ready for dinner. Todd grilled up some peppers onions and potatos, then made the best steak I've EVER TASTED! He used this marinade that was beyond compare, it had a hint of sweetness to it. God. I dreamt about that steak that night.



Kathy's sister and brother-in-law, who run a full bed and breakfast, stopped over for dinner and their dog, Shep, came over with them. Shep was the coolest, calmest, best behaved dog I'd met in a long time. After dinner, Todd, Kathy and I went for a cruise downtown to check out the nightlife. Not much was happening downtown, so we checked out the point, where we saw a couple of the Perseid meteors.

All in all it was an amazing relaxing weekend. Full pictures can be seen here

Worst Music Video EVER

This video scares me and makes me laugh at the same time. I think I weakened my soul watching this. Please. Join in the fun.

crazy japanese crotch smashing fun

Surprisingly part of me would rather do this than go back to work tomorrow

I'm mad

I'm mad, and I'm frustrated, and I'm pissed off. Those are the three ways I primarily describe my mood lately. And the funny (read: strange) thing about it is I don't know why. Sure my job's going through as much turmoil as your average afternoon soap opera, but it's not directly affecting me that much. But I've got a horrible short fuse. I've always been a little too quick to freak out about things, but now it's almost to the point I can't control it. I get mad at friends who are going through difficult times of their own, and that's wrong of me. I just can't make sense out of what's going through my head right now. I apologize to any of my friends that I may have hurt in the past few months, I didn't mean it. I just can't seem to handle things not going "according to plan" anymore. and I don't know what to do to fix it. So I'm writing this to admit that I need help. I've talked to my doctor about the situation. I told him I'm not comfortable upping the dose of the paxil I'm on (yes, I'm freely admitting to being on paxil) and he's suggested a psychiatrist for me to meet with. I've been scared and ashamed to do it before now, but I'll be setting up an appointment to meet with him sometime next week. I can't go on like this without risking losing friends and further digging myself into this emotional hole that I've found myself in and can't get out of.

Update part 2

If you don't want see something gross, stay away from Update part 1 below. Anyways, this is a picture of the shadow box g-door's sister made for me. the flowers in it are from my dad's funeral. She took them from the ceremony and dried them for us, then framed them (if you ever need framing, go to Pat Catans in Akron and ask for Charlotte. Tell her Chris said she's the best framer he's ever met). She made a box for me, one for my sister and a bigger one for my mom. They turned out absolutely beautifully and I'm extremely thankful to her for making this memento for my family. Thank you, Charlotte.

Update part 1

Ok, this is the graphic part of my update tonight. Here's the result of the shed building experiment over at G-doors this past weekend. Hard to explain without visuals, I'll have to get a scan of the shed instruction manual to show how it happened. I got my finger caught someplace it shouldn't have been. After a visit to the friendly akron city er and 3 stitches later I was back on the road. Had a whole big finger wrapped in bandage so I couldn't type with it. I've redressed it tonight and can actually use the index finger a little bit. Typing with 9 fingers isn't very fun, kinda cramps/aches the other joints.

P.S. for those curious, the little piece of white is a piece of the bandage that got stuck in a scab. it came off after I soaked it in peroxide. now you know.

My ever inspriring CEO/CTO/CIO/whatever he is

Boss: "We can use these images for the new website, but we'd have to pay for them. some of them are 10 cents, some are 50 bucks, others are 1000 bucks. Or I can take my fancy HP *points at me* have him get all dressed up and take pictures"
CEO/CTO/CIO/whatever he is: "What? like some Chippendales thing? *proceeds to dance like an old person trying to dance cool* Our customers would be throwing up *makes throwing up noises. We'd need barf bags on every page"


oh, and you know you suck when you're so bored you're reposting surveys on your myspace bulletins, and myspace shuts down the bulletins on you. somebody's probably watching my activity saying "Jesus christ dude, go do something else" *clicks to turn off bulletins*

edit:
just messaged a friend who came online. He replied with "bad time, naked girl on bed" And with that, I'm going to go to bed and channel surf and bring an end to my wonderful friday evening.

Nobody's Watching Part 1

Funny stuff. This was a pilot produced for the WB, but since the WB is no more, it's in limbo. Read about it at wiki. Be sure to check out Parts 2 and 3 in the Explore More Videos section.

Dads

Everybody do me a favor. Call your dad, give him a hug, buy him a gift, take him out to dinner. But do it on friday, or saturday, or monday, or tuesday, or any day. Please just don't do it on sunday. Do it every day.

And if they piss you off, or if there's animosity between you, make the first step towards starting the healing process. Best case scenario, you can reconnect before either of you is gone. Worst case, hopefully, you'll be more at peace that you put forth an effort, if something should happen to either of you.

Just love your dads as much as you can while they're still around. I took father's day for granted for 30 years, and can never make up for it now. And it's eating me up inside knowing I'll never be able to make right with him the things that weren't. We'll never get to have the conversations that needed to be had. I'll never get to tell him I loved him.

And don't leave out mom either. Fuck it, just love everyone in your life as much as you can while you can.

And for those of you who have unfortunately lost your fathers like I have, I can only offer you my most sincere and deepest sympathies. Father's day was never an earth-shattering day for me, but from now on, it will hurt. This first one is excruciating. The next one won't be as bad. The next one after that, will be less painful, etc. But there will always be an ache in my heart when this time of year rolls around. I can only hope that all of you who have gone through what I'm going through this year have been able to find your own special ways to remember him on this holiday. And if this has upset you in anyways, I truly apologize. I'm doing this for selfish reasons to help myself, and never intended this to bring pain or discomfort to anyone, please know that.

Vacation Pictures

I've got a gallery of pictures I took while on the trip. I only took pics about 3 or 4 times while down there, but ended up with quite a few. Oh and for those of you questioning my photography skills in the later pictures on the beach, I was told by someone ( who will remain nameless ) to act like I was taking pictures of my family, but in reality focus on a woman in the background, so I could get pictures of hot women on the beach. So that's why some of those beach pictures look like I'm not really trying to center on the family member in them, because, well, I wasn't ;-) I'll highlight some of my favs here, but you can see them all by going here..

Vacation 2006 Pictures





I liked how the sun just sort of looked to be sitting on the top of this little area of trees.




I liked how I caught the gull and the sailboarder in this one. I came really close to getting the sailboarder's sail around the sun, but he wouldn't cooperate ;-)




Not sure what it is about this one, but I just really like it.




I tried to frame the sun on the point of one the lower fence posts, but it didn't quite do what I wanted. I still like the picture though.




The fence from the preceding picture was surrounding this little local cemetary full of graves from back in the 1800s, some of the people buried there hadn't lived more than days or months before passing away.




There's probably a technical photographical terminology for this, but I just really like taking pictures with this kind of perspective to them





What would a set of vacation pictures be without a picture of a wave crashing on the beach?

Post-Vacation Update

Well, we made it back to northeast ohio last night. We left the beach house at 7:45 in the morning, and pulled into Rootstown at 7:10, so we made it back in a little under 12 hours. No problems on the drive back, was very smooth.

For those of you who didn't get to see all the videos I did, here's links to all of the vids:

Day 1 and 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5

Overall it was a good trip. Had some fun, relaxed. There wasn't much going on after day 5, so that's why the videos stop there. We hung out at the house and just relaxed most of the last few days. On friday night we all went out to dinner as a family, then went back to the beach and had a little moment for dad. I had picked up some golf balls that had dad's name on them, 2 of them. I took one and threw it out into the ocean and will keep the other one. We also took one of his old outer banks hats and threw it out into the ocean as a family. It was so painful not having him there with us. I'd done good the whole trip until the last day when it really hit me that he wasn't there with us. But I think he would've approved of our trip, I think it would've lived up to his standards :)

Vacation Update

Been having internet problems down here. But I've been able to get videos from Day 1+2 and Day 3 posted online. For those who want to check them out, go to..

Vacation Video Journal - Day 1 + 2

and

Vacation Video Journal - Day 3

As I get more videos done, I'll try to get the urls posted here for everyone to watch and laugh at my sorry videography skills ;-)

Pre-vacation update

In the next..hour and a half or so, I'll be out of work and headed home to load up the car and make my way south towards north carolina. It's time again for the Semi-Annual Copac Family Outer Banks Excursion Extraordinaire (SACFOBEE for short). It used to be an annual summer tradition to take the family down there, but last year we were unable to due to me not having vacation time here yet, and the passing of my brother-in-law's father.

Anyways, the plan is to get to the Homewood Suites outside of the Richmond, VA airport tonight and stay the night, then get up saturday morning and drive the rest of the way to our beach house on the beach.

While staying there, my plan is to make daily blog updates on what we've done that particular day. Maybe even do some video journals if I feel motivated enough.

This is a much needed break for the entire family. We've had so much crap thrown at us the past couple of years, we need a chance to just get away and recharge the batteries. So, while I'll do blog updates daily, be forewarned, chances are good there won't be much exciting to talk about besides sitting on the beach enjoying the ocean.

IS IT 12:30 YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

A look back

Some of the more memoral posts in the life of my blog:

First Recorded Post

First date notes with Tammy

Sister's house fire

Second relationship of the summer falling apart

Hiking and mom trouble

The eharmony rejection

The begining of the Kendra situation

Kendra and I become officially bf/gf

Kendra situation high-point

Beginning of the end with Kendra

Beginning of Dad troubles

Kendra situation officially over

The passing of my father

Rant

Geocaching - return to positive posts

Wow. so much has happened in the past year, it's a bit mind boggling. Here's hoping not nearly as much happens this year :-P

To Tim and Jeff

If you're reading this, stop. Leave and don't come back, please.

HIGH-larious

Geocaching

UPDATE: Should've put this in the original post, but here's the site we use as our reference geocaching.com

Me and the Door's went geocaching for the first time. It was a blast. We tried 4 different caches, were successful in finding 3 of them. For those that don't know about geocaching, you get the latitutde and longitude coordinates of a cache on the net. You enter them into a handheld GPS unit and then go to where the coordinates are located. Somewhere in the general vicinity will be some kind of cache. The caches contain some kind of log book that finders sign and note when they found it. Micro sized caches are only big enough to hold the log book. Other caches are larger and contain kitschy kinds of trinkets. The concept of those is to take something from the cache while leaving something in the cache. Other caches are multi-stage caches. The coordinates you get from the net lead you to the first stage, something in the first stage will give you direction or coordinates to the next stage and so forth.




First one, was in an industrial park in Solon. There was a little cul-de-sac. Took us about 5 minutes of walking around till Scott noticed a fake-looking bird's nest. It had a small quarter sized container in it with a couple folded up strips of paper that consisted of the log book.

Second cache was a failure. It was supposed to be a multi-stage cache, which would've been very cool to explore. Oh well, we'll find a good multi-stage sometime.



Third cache was fun. It was near the gorge in the Brecksville Reservoir. We had to walk up through what looked like an access road for park rangers, maybe. Then we got into the middle of the forest itself. Took us about 10-15 minutes to find this one. Ended up being what looked like a big plastic mayonnaise jar. It was full of a bunch of kitschy stuff.



The fourth cache was a fun one. We were following the directions on the GPS and had no clue how to get to it because there was no roads leading to it. We eventually found an office park that was the closest thing to it. We walked through the neatly mowed grass near the MetLife/Fox Sports Ohio building to a forest where we found a small ammo box.

On the way back to scott's we decided on a way for us to leave our mark on the geocaching world. I've got a set of cheap plastic poker chips. We stopped by Office Max and picked up some circular labels. Scott's got a domain name he hasn't been using for a while. So we're gonna setup a simple site, put the domain name and a unique number on the chips, then start leaving them in the caches that we find in the hopes that someone will find one of our Door-bloons (think dubloons, but since we're Door's we're calling them Door-bloons), go to the site and tell us where the found it. And hopefully our Door-bloons will spread across the nation to other caches.

To see other pictures from our first Geocaching expedition go to my Yahoo Photo Album

blog is back

Hello all. the blog is back after a slight period of time in the Blog Protection Program. It spent a couple weeks as a father of four in minnesota. Needless to say it's glad to be back as a blog.

it's early, I'm trying :-P

raw day

this is not gonna be a good post, so don't read it if you're looking for a pick-me-up





having a very "raw" day as I call them. woke up this morning ok, got in the shower, and for some reason or another I Was back at akron city hospital watching dad thrash around in the bed (as we would later find out as he was dying) I keep flashing back like this alot latley. it hurts so bad. I can't get over how he had to go, it's just not right, it's not fair, and I don't know hwat to do about it. I'm so mad and I'm so frustrated and I'm so scared and I ache so bad inside. I feel like I'm right on the edge between keeping a slight hold on the situation and just totally falling apart. but then again I'm gonna go to bed here and I'm gonna get up in the morning, and life's just gonna keep on going. and I'm gonna have to keep on going with it somehow. most days aren't this bad. but today mom and I both just lost it. didn't help we watched rent tonight. the hospital scene and the funeral scene did us in. we're both having a real hard time coping with the way he had to go, and the shit he had to be put through all through january. it really hammers home the concept that there is no concept of fairness in the world. good things happen to bad people, and horrible things happen to amazingly good people. and there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it. You just have to somehow come to grips with the idea that nothing is forever. change is inevitable. bad change is ever as likely as good change. and there are times when people get flooded with good changes. And there are times where people feel overwhelmed with bad changes. I'm at the point now where I have trouble looking for positives. I used to be a fairly optimistic person, but now I'm expecting my new car to break down. I'm expecting there to be problems with caryn and joe's new house. I'm expecting my dog to keel over and die. Why? because I've been burned for the past year and a half with bad thing after bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. And after each one i'd try to tell myself, well things can't get worse, they'll turn around. Well, they won't. there's no guarantees on anything. There's no "can't get worse" there's always worse. life's not a game, not a story, not a movie, it's a living breathing thing that's not able to be played or written or directed. sorry, I just really needed to get some of this out so I could stop crying. I'll shut up now.

There's no such thing as a perfect life - Terry Pluto

Link to Column

Excerpt:

"Here's a bulletin: Life is not fair.
Sometimes, we get better than we deserve, sometimes it's worse. But it's not fair, and it's not easy.
Not only do bad things happen to good people, but good things happen to bad people. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why some things happen.
"

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
Im just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
But the rest is still unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Donald Edward Copac

Donald was one of the best men ever to set foot on the face of this earth. He put family above all else in the world. He put other people before himself. He was a diligent hard working man who wants his family to be happy more than anything else. Donald was a great father, a great grandfather, a great husband, and a great friend. He will be missed deeply.

Donald passed away at 7:30, January 27th, 2006.

This will be the last blog post for an indeterminate period of time.

dad

its sometime after 1 in the morning. been running around since 7. thought dad had a third heart attack in 3 weeks, but now we're waiting to see if he's got a potentially life-threatening pulmonary embolism.

Happy Birthday to me

I'm 30 today. I spent it doing stuff around the house, spending 3 hours at the hospital with dad, going to walmart, waiting 2 hours for a lukewarm pizza, walking the dog and doing the recycle. Happy 30th to me.

Roadblocks

So, yeah, you go through all this shit in your life. You finally get a good plan in mind for how to turn it around. You've got a list of things you awnt to work on changing in your life. Then all of a sudden you hit a roadblock. And all of that's put on the back burner.

I could've sworn I blogged about this, but it doesn't appear to be there. Anyways, my dad had a heart attack last friday. Thankfully minor. He was in the hospital until tuesday. They found a 50-60% blockage in one of his grafted arteries from the bypass he had back in 96. It wasn't a terrible blockage, so they felt a stint wasn't necessary. They start him on a regimine of blood thinners. He spent most of the rest of this week feeling like shit. Horrible chills, bad rashes, muscles aches and weakness. He woke up this morning with chest pains and when he told my mother about it, she was unable to find a pulse on him. We called 911, and the paramedics took him to the ER. They put an external pacemaker on him to stabilize his pulse. He's back in the hospital again, having had a second heart attack in almost a week. He's got a temporary internal pacemaker now, and they're still running tests to determine what's happened.

So, new copaX has been put on hold, so Chris can spend time with the family where he's needed.

It's over

The Kendrix Situation is officially over. The beard is gone. New Copax is not fully complete yet, but it's more of a state of mind. New Copax is not a destination, it's a new mode of transportation. I'm not quite ready to be New Copax quite yet, but I've officially closed the Kendrix Situation chapter of my life and can put all of my mental efforts into moving forwards with my life.

Do I hurt? yup. Am I gonna cry about it? not likely. Is this gonna haunt me? It shouldn't, and if I let it, it's my own fault and I'll need to handle that myself.

I'm gonna be 30 in 13 days. I'm not happy with where my life is right now at 30. My 31st year on this planet will be one of many changes. I can now safely say that I'm no longer making these changes for anyone but myself. I'm doing them because of the Kendrix Situation. Not because her spotlight way of highlighting my negatives qualities sank in. But because she made me realize that the one person I need to make happy is me. I can't spend my life making other people happy. especially those who can't accept anything less than perfection. I've got goals set for what needs to happen this year, and if I meet some of them, that's fucking awesome. If I meet them all, I'll be scared that I've let other things sacrifice. Perfection is not a goal, it's a fault. I want positive changes, positive energy, and positive results. Nothing quantified. Just positive.

More tidbits learned from the Kendrix situation:
1. Acceptance does not equal settling
2. Positive effort is worthwhile and should be celebrated, not belittled
3. If someone doesn't love me for who I am right now, that's their problem to change, not mine
4. I have a powerful support network that cares about me more than I could've possible imagined.
5. Dating/relationships are real and gritty and not perfect and not always sunny, but I have faith that I will find love again someday. And when I do find it, I will realize that what I thought was love will pale in comparison.


so that's it. I'm tired. I have to go back to work tomorrow, after being off for 4 days for dad's heart attack. l8r

I'm being tested (long rambling insomniac post) aka A Trip Inside the Head of copaX

Got a call from mom at 10:15 this morning that she took dad to the emergency room with chest pains. I spent most of the day after that at the hospital with the family. He's doing ok last we saw him at 7. No pain anymore. They're keeping him overnight and going to have him do a stress test and an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to make sure everything's ok. Wasn't how I intended to end this week. Thanks for the little test, whoever's in charge up there!

I'm either numb from everything that's gone on the last couple of weeks, or I'm getting better at managing my anxiety, because I didn't flip out today. I felt it starting to come on before I left the office, but I got my stuff together, sent off an email on the big project I'm on and just left. I didn't race down to the hospital, I drove at a sane speed. So, if this is somebody's way of testing me, you can take your test and shove it up your ass. I'm fucking done flipping out over shit I can't control. As my new motto for life goes "The anxiety my family has bred for years dies with me"

Also, for those who haven't seen me since before the holidays, I haven't shaved since new year's. I'm going into a cocoon, as I'm calling it. I've got the full on amish beard going right now. I'm not going to trim it. I'm not going to shape it. It's just going to keep growing. Once a final decision has been reached in the Kendrix Situation and I can finally get some closure, the full amish beard will come off and the new copaX will emerge. Better get out of the way when new copaX gets here. I can't speak for him, obviously, but I get the sense that he's gonna be better focused, he's gonna have more confidence, he's gonna not give as much of a shit about what people think. But like I said, new copaX is still being developed in his cocoon as we speak. Old copax is dying, to be reborn in the form of new copaX. I probably sound like I'm rambling a bit, but I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I feel like I've lived years in the past 2 months. I've gone back to IM logs from before the Kendrix Situation began, and it feels like the things that happened then actually occured years ago. I've been in a sensory deprivation chamber for the past two months. I've been stuck in a time loop. I've been on the show Big Brother with no contact to the outside world.

My pessimism keeps washing over me in waves lately. Seems that mornings and evenings are bad times for me. Middle of the day I can push it down enough to function. I wake up in the morning and can barely move. Not from anything physical, just don't wanna move. Late at night when I'm trying to wind down and my brain starts to slow down, that's when the Kendrix Situation creeps back in. I'm getting closer to being ready to put an end to this "break" we're on. We haven't had any contact since I walked out of her house on New Year's Day morning and she sent me a txt message on monday night. But I don't want to give up the high ground I feel like I've finally achieved in this so-called relationship. I want her to contact me. I want her to miss me. I want her to realize that she pissed me off enough that I didn't feel like contacting her this week. Not out of anything vindictive, but I just for once want her to see my side of things. I want to know that the glimmer of hope that I've had for the past few weeks that there's some compassion and understanding in that woman wasn't misguided. But then again, the other side of me just wants her to get pissed off at me for not contacting her, so it can be the catalyst I need to just end this.

I'm a damn good guy. I deserve to be happy, god dammit. I deserve to find someone that I can treat like a queen and who will want to treat me like a king. I'm not gonna let the Kendrix Situation sour me to relationships, but it's gonna be hard not to let it make me gun shy for a while. Eventually though I'll get back up on the horse and get back out in the dating scene and meet my Ms. Right.

all right. I can't look at the monitor anymore, my eyes are screming. If anybody actually reads this entire post, hope you enjoyed a little trip inside the head of copaX

I tried

I tried. probably harder than I should've. but I tried. I tried to make things work with Kendra. But we're just making ourselves sick trying to do it. I'm not good enough for her standards in her mind. I'm tired of not being happy with myself and the changes I've made as a human being. We're not officially broken up, but we decided this morning that we needed time apart. Honestly, I don't know how I can go back to that situation again, so I'll probably have to end things here eventually, maybe this time off will make it easier to officially end it, maybe not. I dunno.

My goal after I get over the initial shock and pain is to spend time figuring out what truly makes me happy. Not what makes the people around me happy. I've spent the majority of the 30 years minus 3 weeks of my life worrying about making people happy. I do things that make someone else happy that makes me happy. I need to be more selfish for a while. And hopefully someday I can find a woman that can accept me for what I am and can be happy for me while I make her as happy as I possibly can. My pessimist side is fighting really hard to take over right now. And I've got to just do what I can to fight it off and realize that there are a shitload of fish in the sea.

I'm gonna go now, cause I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Been a while

I've been busy with my relationship and work and the holidays. Doesn't feel like it's only been two weeks since I posted, but it has. Things have gotten a little rocky with Kendra. Nothing serious yet, just some bumps in the road that need to get ironed out. I still love her. She still seems to love me. Just got some things in the way that need to get worked out.

there ya go. that's what's going on. l8r

Haven't posted for a while

Time really flies when you've got a life. Things between Kendra and I are going great. I love her very very much, and she loves me too. I'm going to marry her someday. Just a matter of when. We've had our bumps in the road so far, but hasn't stopped us from continuing on.

We went to the MIS christmas party last night. was an absolute blast of a time! didn't want to leave, but had to get home since we both had to be up in the morning.

I know my posts are boring anymore, but anybody still reading my blog will have to put up with it for a while. My primary focus in life right now is being the best man I can be for Kendra and making her as happy as I possibly can. Between that and work and still trying to keep up with family and friends, my life is extremely full right now. I haven't touched a video game in probably close to a month now. She's just so good for me, and I can't let it slip away for lack of trying.

Well, just wanted to give those couple people who read this thing a little update.

I'm a mess

Spent the weekend with my girlfriend Kendra. We went out of town to Medina for a wedding for a college friend of hers. It was the best weekend I've spent in a very long time. It cemented in my mind that I'm truly in love with this woman. I brought her home sunday afternoon, and went home and felt sick inside and have had a massive headache since leaving her house. I didn't want to leave her there. I'm getting to that point that I can't handle only being with her once a week. I'm going to have to do something about this before too long.

Happy Thanksgiving to all

This thanksgiving I'm feeling very thankful for everything I have in my life. I'm thankful for the freedoms I have. I'm thankful for the friends I have and how they influence my life. I'm thankful for having Kendra and the way she makes me feel inside and the possibilities that our future holds. I'm thankful for my family and their health and happiness. I'm thankful that I'm working on controlling my anxiety and my worry. I'm thankful that I'm developing a little bit of optimism about life.

I can't list everyone of my friends (well I could, but I don't want to) that I'm thankful for. But each and every one of you know that I'm so very very thankful to know you and have you in my life. You all help me in ways you'll never know. and I hope that I'm able to help you all in return.

Now, back to thanksgiving preparations :) Have a great day everybody!!