An open letter to my father

Hi dad,

It's that time of year again. I figured I'd try to get some of the stuff out of my head and into the blog, see if that helped me any. I miss you so desperately, dad. I just wish I could sit down with you face to face and talk. I wish I could hug you again, and tell you I loved you. I wish I could show you around my apartment, show you what I've done with it, have you tell me all the things I need to be careful of. I wish you were home with mom so she wasn't alone. I wish you could give me advice on how to be a better manager at work. I hope I've lived up to your name. I know I'm not perfect, but I just hope that I've taken everything you gave me and have put it to good use in becoming the man I am today. I just want to hear your voice telling me you're proud of me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you a grandson to carry on the copac name before you passed, but I know that ben and will carry on the copac spirit at least. I have trouble remembering much of our past together, I don't know if I've blocked it out in the past couple years or what. I hope that someday I'll be able to remember more of our life together. I wish I could've had the chance to help you with your anxiety in the same ways I try to do it now in my own life. Dad, I'm trying so very very hard to become a better person. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to not feel so alone and lost anymore. I have alot of good friends in my life, and I try very hard to take care of them. I know how important that was to you, taking care of other people. But even with all of these good people, I still feel so alone without you. I feel very lost and without direction. I'm trying to find my way without you here to lead me, but it's really hard, dad. It's the second hardest thing I've had to do besides saying good-bye to you. I'm trying, dad, I hope you know that. I'm trying really hard. I screw up, and I take steps backwards, but I'm still trying. god, dad, I miss you so much.