"I wanna get lost in my life sometimes
sit on the side and watch the world go by
I wanna get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes I wanna get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes I wanna get lost and just dream for a while"
"I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?"
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Blizzard of Aught 8
The view this morning when I got up..
(note the far left white car. See that stick like thing sticking up out of the snow? Yeah, that's my snow shovel which I had left outside. Someone conveniently borrowed it last night to try to dig themselves out, but didn't bother to put it back. Needless to say the shovel stays inside from now on)
And here's the view this evening, after an hour or so of shoveling 2-3 foot drifts and some thawing thanks to the wonderful sunshine.
(note the far left white car. See that stick like thing sticking up out of the snow? Yeah, that's my snow shovel which I had left outside. Someone conveniently borrowed it last night to try to dig themselves out, but didn't bother to put it back. Needless to say the shovel stays inside from now on)
And here's the view this evening, after an hour or so of shoveling 2-3 foot drifts and some thawing thanks to the wonderful sunshine.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Random
I don't know where this is gonna go, just kind of a free association post...
Life's like a river.
I've heard a few people tell me that, jennifer for example, and I've read some books that refer to it that way.
Life's like a river.
I've heard a few people tell me that, jennifer for example, and I've read some books that refer to it that way.
There's this sense that we have more control over the flow of this river than we really do. We try to paddle or swim, or redirect the flow, but all we end up doing is wasting our energy and getting ourselves frustrated. Would it be nice if the river flowed through that beautiful valley over there? 
(source)
Sure would. Will it? Maybe, maybe not. Should we let ourselves get upset if it doesn't? Only if you thrive on frustration, which last time I checked most (normal) people don't. (I gotta admit, I've known at least one person in my life who did, oddly enough). So, what can we do? Things would be really cool if we ended up in the pretty valley. What we have to do is make the best out of what we have. We have to make the most out of the path that the River of Life ends up taking us. Sure things could be better. But who's to say there's not another valley up ahead that's just as pretty, maybe even prettier.
Ok, so we can get our hopes up that around the next bend will be another valley right? If you're the gambling type, then go for it. But wouldn't it be a bit more peaceful, and maybe even more fun honestly, to just ride along with the flow and see what happened? Not have expectations about what's around the bend, just have a keen interest to see what's there. For better or worse, just patiently wait and see what's around the bend. Not like we should just close our eyes, lay back and blindly float down the river. A) you still have to make some minor course corrections here and there to avoid the rocks and the shallow sections and B) where's the fun in that?
That's like taking a long car trip sitting in the backseat of a station wagon with your nose buried in books the whole way. I should know, that's how I lived most of my childhood. Anytime we went anywhere, I had to make sure I had toys or books or games that I could do along the way. I ended up missing a lot of life by doing that. I also ended up with a rather horrible sense of direction, that I'm still trying to overcome in my adult life. (thank GOD for GPS units). I had a point somewhere around here I was aiming for....hmm, must've fallen under the desk. Ah, there it is. Anyways, the point is to open your eyes and be witness to where the River of Life ends up taking you. When it's pretty or not so pretty, there's still much to be learned from where it takes us.
UPDATE: Music recommendation. Yael Naim - Endless Song of Happiness. Listen to it.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
it's batTERies, not batTRies, ya bloody wankah!
and there were no pieces of wood on fire, so where's this supposed "torch" he speaks of...god, you'd think he was a foreigner or something
Friday, February 08, 2008
Glittergirl's famous!
Sorry glittergirl, but I took your video down for a while. It loaded up everytime my blog loaded and kept freaking me out.
Glittergirl's WKYC Page of Famousosity
Glittergirl's WKYC Page of Famousosity
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Some things change...
some things stay the same.
a looooooong time ago I gave eharmony a try. Well, some friends of mine are in burgeoning relationships, so I thought, "You know what, I've gone through alot of personal development in the past couple of years. Maybe I've changed enough to be a better match for someone." So, I went through the peronality test again. I cleared my mind and just went with my gut and answered the questions honestly. At least, 3 years later, eharmony doesn't appear to reject people outright. This time I was allowed to upload a photo, so I thought there was a chance. Got in, and was presented with my "home page". 0 matches :)
I'm actually sitting here smiling about it, chuckling.
I've been reading books about Taoism lately, trying to find some inner peace and happiness. Guess that's why this isn't really bothering me that much. Last time this happened, I reacted a little bit differently :)
For those curious about Taoism, I recommend reading The Tao of Pooh I'd get into details, just take my advice and read it. it's a short book, easy read.
a looooooong time ago I gave eharmony a try. Well, some friends of mine are in burgeoning relationships, so I thought, "You know what, I've gone through alot of personal development in the past couple of years. Maybe I've changed enough to be a better match for someone." So, I went through the peronality test again. I cleared my mind and just went with my gut and answered the questions honestly. At least, 3 years later, eharmony doesn't appear to reject people outright. This time I was allowed to upload a photo, so I thought there was a chance. Got in, and was presented with my "home page". 0 matches :)
I'm actually sitting here smiling about it, chuckling.
I've been reading books about Taoism lately, trying to find some inner peace and happiness. Guess that's why this isn't really bothering me that much. Last time this happened, I reacted a little bit differently :)
For those curious about Taoism, I recommend reading The Tao of Pooh I'd get into details, just take my advice and read it. it's a short book, easy read.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures
Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures
Interesting site concept. Basically if you run across a memory card or camera with pictures on it, you send a couple in that would be the most identifiable and hopefully through the power of teh intarwebs and good old word of mouth, they can be reunited with their proper owner.
I think it'd be fascinating to find someone else's pictures like that. Does that make me voyeuristic? That I want to see other people's pictures? I don't have any ulterior motives, I'm just fascinated at seeing how other people live their lives compared to mine. I also have the same problem when I'm riding in a car in the evening down a street with alot of houses. I tend to try to look into the living rooms where the lights are on and the curtains/blinds are open. Not because I want to spy on them, it's just merely curiosity's sake. I tend to think things like "Wow, the average television size has gotten insanely big." or "That's a very interesting way to have your living room setup."
I also have started going to the Art section of Borders, and checking out as many of the Post Secret books as I can, looking to see if anyone left their own postcard in it, like I've read stories about people doing. No luck yet, but I'll be sure to let everyone know when I do.
Interesting site concept. Basically if you run across a memory card or camera with pictures on it, you send a couple in that would be the most identifiable and hopefully through the power of teh intarwebs and good old word of mouth, they can be reunited with their proper owner.
I think it'd be fascinating to find someone else's pictures like that. Does that make me voyeuristic? That I want to see other people's pictures? I don't have any ulterior motives, I'm just fascinated at seeing how other people live their lives compared to mine. I also have the same problem when I'm riding in a car in the evening down a street with alot of houses. I tend to try to look into the living rooms where the lights are on and the curtains/blinds are open. Not because I want to spy on them, it's just merely curiosity's sake. I tend to think things like "Wow, the average television size has gotten insanely big." or "That's a very interesting way to have your living room setup."
I also have started going to the Art section of Borders, and checking out as many of the Post Secret books as I can, looking to see if anyone left their own postcard in it, like I've read stories about people doing. No luck yet, but I'll be sure to let everyone know when I do.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Hmmm...
You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!
by Mark Twain
With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Monday, January 28, 2008
My Birthday Weekend - A Play in Three Acts
Also, new pictures have been added to the Flickr Zeitgeist on the right
Act 1:
Act 2:
Act 3:
Act 1:
Act 2:
Act 3:
Saturday, January 26, 2008
An open letter to my father
Hi dad,
It's that time of year again. I figured I'd try to get some of the stuff out of my head and into the blog, see if that helped me any. I miss you so desperately, dad. I just wish I could sit down with you face to face and talk. I wish I could hug you again, and tell you I loved you. I wish I could show you around my apartment, show you what I've done with it, have you tell me all the things I need to be careful of. I wish you were home with mom so she wasn't alone. I wish you could give me advice on how to be a better manager at work. I hope I've lived up to your name. I know I'm not perfect, but I just hope that I've taken everything you gave me and have put it to good use in becoming the man I am today. I just want to hear your voice telling me you're proud of me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you a grandson to carry on the copac name before you passed, but I know that ben and will carry on the copac spirit at least. I have trouble remembering much of our past together, I don't know if I've blocked it out in the past couple years or what. I hope that someday I'll be able to remember more of our life together. I wish I could've had the chance to help you with your anxiety in the same ways I try to do it now in my own life. Dad, I'm trying so very very hard to become a better person. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to not feel so alone and lost anymore. I have alot of good friends in my life, and I try very hard to take care of them. I know how important that was to you, taking care of other people. But even with all of these good people, I still feel so alone without you. I feel very lost and without direction. I'm trying to find my way without you here to lead me, but it's really hard, dad. It's the second hardest thing I've had to do besides saying good-bye to you. I'm trying, dad, I hope you know that. I'm trying really hard. I screw up, and I take steps backwards, but I'm still trying. god, dad, I miss you so much.
It's that time of year again. I figured I'd try to get some of the stuff out of my head and into the blog, see if that helped me any. I miss you so desperately, dad. I just wish I could sit down with you face to face and talk. I wish I could hug you again, and tell you I loved you. I wish I could show you around my apartment, show you what I've done with it, have you tell me all the things I need to be careful of. I wish you were home with mom so she wasn't alone. I wish you could give me advice on how to be a better manager at work. I hope I've lived up to your name. I know I'm not perfect, but I just hope that I've taken everything you gave me and have put it to good use in becoming the man I am today. I just want to hear your voice telling me you're proud of me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you a grandson to carry on the copac name before you passed, but I know that ben and will carry on the copac spirit at least. I have trouble remembering much of our past together, I don't know if I've blocked it out in the past couple years or what. I hope that someday I'll be able to remember more of our life together. I wish I could've had the chance to help you with your anxiety in the same ways I try to do it now in my own life. Dad, I'm trying so very very hard to become a better person. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to not feel so alone and lost anymore. I have alot of good friends in my life, and I try very hard to take care of them. I know how important that was to you, taking care of other people. But even with all of these good people, I still feel so alone without you. I feel very lost and without direction. I'm trying to find my way without you here to lead me, but it's really hard, dad. It's the second hardest thing I've had to do besides saying good-bye to you. I'm trying, dad, I hope you know that. I'm trying really hard. I screw up, and I take steps backwards, but I'm still trying. god, dad, I miss you so much.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My wishlist
People have been bugging me to make a wishlist. I guess people for some reason want to buy me things. I don't know why. Doesn't make sense to me. anywho... here's my wishlist :-P
My wishlist
My wishlist
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Software Request
There may be something out there that does this, but I haven't had the time or luck to find it yet. I've found a bunch of list software, but no luck finding something like this.
I'm looking for some kind of list management software. Each item in the list just has it's position in the list, relative to the rest. 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. No priorities, nothing like that. First item entered is #1, second is #2 and so on. Then you can click and drag an item to move it from position #3 to the top of the list, or anywhere in the list really.
I've tried using Microsoft OneNote, but it just doesn't fit what I'm trying to accomplish.
Bonus features:
- Ability to enter a list item as a simple sentence, then expand the item and enter more details or benchmarks about the item, then collapse it back down into the simple sentence description
- Windows Mobile version would roxxors my soxxors.
If anybody that reads this blog knows of something like this, I'd appreciate a point in the right direction.
I'm looking for some kind of list management software. Each item in the list just has it's position in the list, relative to the rest. 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. No priorities, nothing like that. First item entered is #1, second is #2 and so on. Then you can click and drag an item to move it from position #3 to the top of the list, or anywhere in the list really.
I've tried using Microsoft OneNote, but it just doesn't fit what I'm trying to accomplish.
Bonus features:
- Ability to enter a list item as a simple sentence, then expand the item and enter more details or benchmarks about the item, then collapse it back down into the simple sentence description
- Windows Mobile version would roxxors my soxxors.
If anybody that reads this blog knows of something like this, I'd appreciate a point in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Journal Entry - January 15, 2008
"I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between"
-What It's Like - Everlast
There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world"
-Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder
Let's see...what happened today. Not a whole lot besides alot of snow. I was able to give somebody some good news at work today, so that was a nice switch compared to the past week or so. Honestly, I can't really thinkg of anything else "journal"ish to write. So I'll just go off on a tangent for a while..
I picked the first set of lyrics above for two reasons. A) it's what was playing on the Shoutcast station I was listening to as I worked on this post and B) It seemed like a good way to describe how life should be treated. Not so much from the pure irony standpoint the lyrics seem to take, but more from the standpoint that expectations are a tricky thing.
I picked the second set of lyrics above also for two reasons a) it's the second song that's come on since I've been working on this post and B) it kinda helps to remind me that life's unfair, and you gotta get over it.
Ok, enough with the lyrics, let's get down to the nitty gritty here. I didn't like the tone of my frustrations post the other day. I have this problem where I get caught up in this irrational idea that because I'm a supposed "good" guy and that I follow the rules and do what I'm "supposed" to do that I'm entitled to something as a result of it. I've tried to figure out where I got that idea from, but at this point I'm not really even sure if that would make much difference. Maybe it's just from being too logical of a thinker and looking at cause and effect so much throughout my life up until now. I dunno. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to counteract it. I should be able to accept what life gives me and make the best of it. and not get caught up in expectations and feeling due something. I guess that's kinda why I'm doing this again, this whole blogging thing, to try and document these times like these and try to work out in my head where I went wrong and try to find a way to make changes. I feel a little weird putting this out in the public like this, but I think it's necessary. I think I need to own up to my actions more and not just write them off. So any readers out there, feel free to call me on my shit now and then
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between"
-What It's Like - Everlast
There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world"
-Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder
Let's see...what happened today. Not a whole lot besides alot of snow. I was able to give somebody some good news at work today, so that was a nice switch compared to the past week or so. Honestly, I can't really thinkg of anything else "journal"ish to write. So I'll just go off on a tangent for a while..
I picked the first set of lyrics above for two reasons. A) it's what was playing on the Shoutcast station I was listening to as I worked on this post and B) It seemed like a good way to describe how life should be treated. Not so much from the pure irony standpoint the lyrics seem to take, but more from the standpoint that expectations are a tricky thing.
I picked the second set of lyrics above also for two reasons a) it's the second song that's come on since I've been working on this post and B) it kinda helps to remind me that life's unfair, and you gotta get over it.
Ok, enough with the lyrics, let's get down to the nitty gritty here. I didn't like the tone of my frustrations post the other day. I have this problem where I get caught up in this irrational idea that because I'm a supposed "good" guy and that I follow the rules and do what I'm "supposed" to do that I'm entitled to something as a result of it. I've tried to figure out where I got that idea from, but at this point I'm not really even sure if that would make much difference. Maybe it's just from being too logical of a thinker and looking at cause and effect so much throughout my life up until now. I dunno. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to counteract it. I should be able to accept what life gives me and make the best of it. and not get caught up in expectations and feeling due something. I guess that's kinda why I'm doing this again, this whole blogging thing, to try and document these times like these and try to work out in my head where I went wrong and try to find a way to make changes. I feel a little weird putting this out in the public like this, but I think it's necessary. I think I need to own up to my actions more and not just write them off. So any readers out there, feel free to call me on my shit now and then
Monday, January 14, 2008
frustrations
this post may sound whiny or bitchy, but I don't really care. Part of my resolution this year was to get myself to get stuff like this out and documented so that I can hopefully learn something from it and make myself a better person. This here is one of those such posts.
frustration is something that has a firm grasp on my life. Here's a list of the things that caused me frustration today: (Please note, I'm not justifying or rationalizing these things, I'm merely listing them)
ok, first off, most of these things shouldn't be causing me frustration. I can see that now, but when those events occurred, my first reactino was that of frustration. Either out of jealousy, or a sense of "unfairness". I shouldn't feel that I'm owed anything, but I do. Anyways, I'm going to watch some tv and chill out for a while. I'll come back later and edit this post with some more thoughts and musings.
frustration is something that has a firm grasp on my life. Here's a list of the things that caused me frustration today: (Please note, I'm not justifying or rationalizing these things, I'm merely listing them)
- a good friend is getting married. someone I had a crush on for a while but never acted upon
- a project a former employee of mine was working on needs to be completed, and I found out that he didn't complete nearly as much of it as he had claimed
- a good friend who's going through some job difficulties, who I've been trying to support and be a good friend to, opened up to someone else who has more..ulterior motives behind being their for her.
- somebody cut me off on the way home.
- I spent a couple hours last night going through personal ads and not getting any replies.
ok, first off, most of these things shouldn't be causing me frustration. I can see that now, but when those events occurred, my first reactino was that of frustration. Either out of jealousy, or a sense of "unfairness". I shouldn't feel that I'm owed anything, but I do. Anyways, I'm going to watch some tv and chill out for a while. I'll come back later and edit this post with some more thoughts and musings.
Journal Entry - January 14, 2008
Need to play some catchup this morning:
Friday - busy day at work. After work I went over to my cousin's house to work on her and her husband's wireless network. I had set it up for them last year and for some reason it stopped working for them. I have no idea what happened to it, but the router was making a high-pitched whine that changed frequency depending on whether or not a pc was plugged into it or not. That being beyond my scope of tech support, I suggested we buy a new router. Put the new router in and they were good to go. After that I showed my cousin how to synchronize music to her new cell phone. then I tried to get their new road runner accounts setup, but stupid RR would say their password was valid on their account management site, but not on their webmail site nor through POP access. whatever. Then I showed them how to burn cds in iTunes. After that it was about 11 and I headed home.
Saturday - slept in until 11ish, got up and did some straightening up. the Doors (Scott and Garland for those that don't know them) came up and we hung out. We went to best buy, did some shopping. I picked up Geometry Wars for the DS (highly recommended for DS owners). Then we went back to my apartment and watched Shoot 'Em Up. Very fun cheesy action movie. No real deep plot, just alot of over the top action. After the Doors left, I watched Shortbus, a movie recommended by my surrogate girlfriend Jen (NOT Jennifer "glittergirl" Charlton, this is a different Jen). And by surrogate I mean, not my girlfriend, we're just good friends that talk on the phone almost everyday like a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. But we're not, and she already has a bf, and even if she didn't, things wouldn't work out between us. So yeah, that was a tangent, anyways, back to the movie. It was this odd artsy kind of movie revolving around this couples counselor/sex therapist who's never had an orgasm. It's a pretty graphic movie, but I thought it was really interesting. It explored a bunch of different people and their quests for finding themselves basically. If you're open-minded and don't get freaked out easily when it comes to sex (hetero and otherwise), I think it's worth a watch.
Sunday - Got up early for some reason. Ok, so it was 9, but for me that's early on a weekend. I got motivated and did dishes, washed my cpap mask, started laundry, tore down some cardboard boxes and took a whole car load of cardboard up to the recycle dropoff. Got a call from Todd and Kathy inviting me out to go shopping with them. We went up to Value City. I picked up 3 pairs of jeans, a couple sweatshirts, and a pair of shoes. Came home, and just kinda shut down for the rest of the evening.
So there's my weekend wrapup.
Friday - busy day at work. After work I went over to my cousin's house to work on her and her husband's wireless network. I had set it up for them last year and for some reason it stopped working for them. I have no idea what happened to it, but the router was making a high-pitched whine that changed frequency depending on whether or not a pc was plugged into it or not. That being beyond my scope of tech support, I suggested we buy a new router. Put the new router in and they were good to go. After that I showed my cousin how to synchronize music to her new cell phone. then I tried to get their new road runner accounts setup, but stupid RR would say their password was valid on their account management site, but not on their webmail site nor through POP access. whatever. Then I showed them how to burn cds in iTunes. After that it was about 11 and I headed home.
Saturday - slept in until 11ish, got up and did some straightening up. the Doors (Scott and Garland for those that don't know them) came up and we hung out. We went to best buy, did some shopping. I picked up Geometry Wars for the DS (highly recommended for DS owners). Then we went back to my apartment and watched Shoot 'Em Up. Very fun cheesy action movie. No real deep plot, just alot of over the top action. After the Doors left, I watched Shortbus, a movie recommended by my surrogate girlfriend Jen (NOT Jennifer "glittergirl" Charlton, this is a different Jen). And by surrogate I mean, not my girlfriend, we're just good friends that talk on the phone almost everyday like a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. But we're not, and she already has a bf, and even if she didn't, things wouldn't work out between us. So yeah, that was a tangent, anyways, back to the movie. It was this odd artsy kind of movie revolving around this couples counselor/sex therapist who's never had an orgasm. It's a pretty graphic movie, but I thought it was really interesting. It explored a bunch of different people and their quests for finding themselves basically. If you're open-minded and don't get freaked out easily when it comes to sex (hetero and otherwise), I think it's worth a watch.
Sunday - Got up early for some reason. Ok, so it was 9, but for me that's early on a weekend. I got motivated and did dishes, washed my cpap mask, started laundry, tore down some cardboard boxes and took a whole car load of cardboard up to the recycle dropoff. Got a call from Todd and Kathy inviting me out to go shopping with them. We went up to Value City. I picked up 3 pairs of jeans, a couple sweatshirts, and a pair of shoes. Came home, and just kinda shut down for the rest of the evening.
So there's my weekend wrapup.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
boredboredboredboredbored
I'm at work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I'm burned out from this week. All the stress from the bad news, plus I've been extra busy lately trying to pick up some of the programming slack. And right now, I'm just spent. I'm trying to think of a way to cruise through the last hour and 9 minutes of the day. so here I am blogging about nothing. Nope, nothing at all. kinda like seinfeld. "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" wonder how many different ways I can come up with to indicate nothing..
nothing
nada
zip
zero
zilch
nein
negatory
non
empty
void
transparent
blank
...
I'm stumped, that's about all I can come up with. well that wasted about 3 minutes.
nothing
nada
zip
zero
zilch
nein
negatory
non
empty
void
transparent
blank
...
I'm stumped, that's about all I can come up with. well that wasted about 3 minutes.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Out of body experiences
There are nights when im turning off the lights in the apartment, and starting my routine preparations for bed when im struck by a thought. All of a sudden its like im finally slowing down enough to the point that reality catches up to me. All of a sudden the realization hits that im living on my own, something that hasn't been the case for 31+ years of my life. And the realization also strikes me that my father is still gone and will never come back. And those realizations act like a chill down my spine and I suddenly feel like a child who's lost and alone. After a few seconds the feeling goes away. Some nights it leaves a lingering sadness behind. I just had one tonight, and the sadness is hanging on. I think because its coming up on the 2nd anniversary of dad passing that they're lingering. Only tonights different because a new thought has struck me. I wonder if mom has moments like these and if they're any worse than mine. Sorry for the depressing post, just needed to get it off my chest.
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