Roadblocks

So, yeah, you go through all this shit in your life. You finally get a good plan in mind for how to turn it around. You've got a list of things you awnt to work on changing in your life. Then all of a sudden you hit a roadblock. And all of that's put on the back burner.

I could've sworn I blogged about this, but it doesn't appear to be there. Anyways, my dad had a heart attack last friday. Thankfully minor. He was in the hospital until tuesday. They found a 50-60% blockage in one of his grafted arteries from the bypass he had back in 96. It wasn't a terrible blockage, so they felt a stint wasn't necessary. They start him on a regimine of blood thinners. He spent most of the rest of this week feeling like shit. Horrible chills, bad rashes, muscles aches and weakness. He woke up this morning with chest pains and when he told my mother about it, she was unable to find a pulse on him. We called 911, and the paramedics took him to the ER. They put an external pacemaker on him to stabilize his pulse. He's back in the hospital again, having had a second heart attack in almost a week. He's got a temporary internal pacemaker now, and they're still running tests to determine what's happened.

So, new copaX has been put on hold, so Chris can spend time with the family where he's needed.

It's over

The Kendrix Situation is officially over. The beard is gone. New Copax is not fully complete yet, but it's more of a state of mind. New Copax is not a destination, it's a new mode of transportation. I'm not quite ready to be New Copax quite yet, but I've officially closed the Kendrix Situation chapter of my life and can put all of my mental efforts into moving forwards with my life.

Do I hurt? yup. Am I gonna cry about it? not likely. Is this gonna haunt me? It shouldn't, and if I let it, it's my own fault and I'll need to handle that myself.

I'm gonna be 30 in 13 days. I'm not happy with where my life is right now at 30. My 31st year on this planet will be one of many changes. I can now safely say that I'm no longer making these changes for anyone but myself. I'm doing them because of the Kendrix Situation. Not because her spotlight way of highlighting my negatives qualities sank in. But because she made me realize that the one person I need to make happy is me. I can't spend my life making other people happy. especially those who can't accept anything less than perfection. I've got goals set for what needs to happen this year, and if I meet some of them, that's fucking awesome. If I meet them all, I'll be scared that I've let other things sacrifice. Perfection is not a goal, it's a fault. I want positive changes, positive energy, and positive results. Nothing quantified. Just positive.

More tidbits learned from the Kendrix situation:
1. Acceptance does not equal settling
2. Positive effort is worthwhile and should be celebrated, not belittled
3. If someone doesn't love me for who I am right now, that's their problem to change, not mine
4. I have a powerful support network that cares about me more than I could've possible imagined.
5. Dating/relationships are real and gritty and not perfect and not always sunny, but I have faith that I will find love again someday. And when I do find it, I will realize that what I thought was love will pale in comparison.


so that's it. I'm tired. I have to go back to work tomorrow, after being off for 4 days for dad's heart attack. l8r

I'm being tested (long rambling insomniac post) aka A Trip Inside the Head of copaX

Got a call from mom at 10:15 this morning that she took dad to the emergency room with chest pains. I spent most of the day after that at the hospital with the family. He's doing ok last we saw him at 7. No pain anymore. They're keeping him overnight and going to have him do a stress test and an echo-cardiogram tomorrow to make sure everything's ok. Wasn't how I intended to end this week. Thanks for the little test, whoever's in charge up there!

I'm either numb from everything that's gone on the last couple of weeks, or I'm getting better at managing my anxiety, because I didn't flip out today. I felt it starting to come on before I left the office, but I got my stuff together, sent off an email on the big project I'm on and just left. I didn't race down to the hospital, I drove at a sane speed. So, if this is somebody's way of testing me, you can take your test and shove it up your ass. I'm fucking done flipping out over shit I can't control. As my new motto for life goes "The anxiety my family has bred for years dies with me"

Also, for those who haven't seen me since before the holidays, I haven't shaved since new year's. I'm going into a cocoon, as I'm calling it. I've got the full on amish beard going right now. I'm not going to trim it. I'm not going to shape it. It's just going to keep growing. Once a final decision has been reached in the Kendrix Situation and I can finally get some closure, the full amish beard will come off and the new copaX will emerge. Better get out of the way when new copaX gets here. I can't speak for him, obviously, but I get the sense that he's gonna be better focused, he's gonna have more confidence, he's gonna not give as much of a shit about what people think. But like I said, new copaX is still being developed in his cocoon as we speak. Old copax is dying, to be reborn in the form of new copaX. I probably sound like I'm rambling a bit, but I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I feel like I've lived years in the past 2 months. I've gone back to IM logs from before the Kendrix Situation began, and it feels like the things that happened then actually occured years ago. I've been in a sensory deprivation chamber for the past two months. I've been stuck in a time loop. I've been on the show Big Brother with no contact to the outside world.

My pessimism keeps washing over me in waves lately. Seems that mornings and evenings are bad times for me. Middle of the day I can push it down enough to function. I wake up in the morning and can barely move. Not from anything physical, just don't wanna move. Late at night when I'm trying to wind down and my brain starts to slow down, that's when the Kendrix Situation creeps back in. I'm getting closer to being ready to put an end to this "break" we're on. We haven't had any contact since I walked out of her house on New Year's Day morning and she sent me a txt message on monday night. But I don't want to give up the high ground I feel like I've finally achieved in this so-called relationship. I want her to contact me. I want her to miss me. I want her to realize that she pissed me off enough that I didn't feel like contacting her this week. Not out of anything vindictive, but I just for once want her to see my side of things. I want to know that the glimmer of hope that I've had for the past few weeks that there's some compassion and understanding in that woman wasn't misguided. But then again, the other side of me just wants her to get pissed off at me for not contacting her, so it can be the catalyst I need to just end this.

I'm a damn good guy. I deserve to be happy, god dammit. I deserve to find someone that I can treat like a queen and who will want to treat me like a king. I'm not gonna let the Kendrix Situation sour me to relationships, but it's gonna be hard not to let it make me gun shy for a while. Eventually though I'll get back up on the horse and get back out in the dating scene and meet my Ms. Right.

all right. I can't look at the monitor anymore, my eyes are screming. If anybody actually reads this entire post, hope you enjoyed a little trip inside the head of copaX

I tried

I tried. probably harder than I should've. but I tried. I tried to make things work with Kendra. But we're just making ourselves sick trying to do it. I'm not good enough for her standards in her mind. I'm tired of not being happy with myself and the changes I've made as a human being. We're not officially broken up, but we decided this morning that we needed time apart. Honestly, I don't know how I can go back to that situation again, so I'll probably have to end things here eventually, maybe this time off will make it easier to officially end it, maybe not. I dunno.

My goal after I get over the initial shock and pain is to spend time figuring out what truly makes me happy. Not what makes the people around me happy. I've spent the majority of the 30 years minus 3 weeks of my life worrying about making people happy. I do things that make someone else happy that makes me happy. I need to be more selfish for a while. And hopefully someday I can find a woman that can accept me for what I am and can be happy for me while I make her as happy as I possibly can. My pessimist side is fighting really hard to take over right now. And I've got to just do what I can to fight it off and realize that there are a shitload of fish in the sea.

I'm gonna go now, cause I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Been a while

I've been busy with my relationship and work and the holidays. Doesn't feel like it's only been two weeks since I posted, but it has. Things have gotten a little rocky with Kendra. Nothing serious yet, just some bumps in the road that need to get ironed out. I still love her. She still seems to love me. Just got some things in the way that need to get worked out.

there ya go. that's what's going on. l8r

Haven't posted for a while

Time really flies when you've got a life. Things between Kendra and I are going great. I love her very very much, and she loves me too. I'm going to marry her someday. Just a matter of when. We've had our bumps in the road so far, but hasn't stopped us from continuing on.

We went to the MIS christmas party last night. was an absolute blast of a time! didn't want to leave, but had to get home since we both had to be up in the morning.

I know my posts are boring anymore, but anybody still reading my blog will have to put up with it for a while. My primary focus in life right now is being the best man I can be for Kendra and making her as happy as I possibly can. Between that and work and still trying to keep up with family and friends, my life is extremely full right now. I haven't touched a video game in probably close to a month now. She's just so good for me, and I can't let it slip away for lack of trying.

Well, just wanted to give those couple people who read this thing a little update.

I'm a mess

Spent the weekend with my girlfriend Kendra. We went out of town to Medina for a wedding for a college friend of hers. It was the best weekend I've spent in a very long time. It cemented in my mind that I'm truly in love with this woman. I brought her home sunday afternoon, and went home and felt sick inside and have had a massive headache since leaving her house. I didn't want to leave her there. I'm getting to that point that I can't handle only being with her once a week. I'm going to have to do something about this before too long.

Happy Thanksgiving to all

This thanksgiving I'm feeling very thankful for everything I have in my life. I'm thankful for the freedoms I have. I'm thankful for the friends I have and how they influence my life. I'm thankful for having Kendra and the way she makes me feel inside and the possibilities that our future holds. I'm thankful for my family and their health and happiness. I'm thankful that I'm working on controlling my anxiety and my worry. I'm thankful that I'm developing a little bit of optimism about life.

I can't list everyone of my friends (well I could, but I don't want to) that I'm thankful for. But each and every one of you know that I'm so very very thankful to know you and have you in my life. You all help me in ways you'll never know. and I hope that I'm able to help you all in return.

Now, back to thanksgiving preparations :) Have a great day everybody!!

Sunday post

Figured since I was sitting around waiting for the Browns game to start and for Kendra to call, I'd make a blog post.

What's been going on lately? Really the only thing going on in my life right now is Kendra. Been with her once a week for the past month now. Things are going very well. It's a strange feeling being in a relationship like this. It's so out of my norm for me to be doing this. We're going on a little getaway for thanksgiving, a wedding in medina. Rehearsal dinner friday night and wedding saturday night. We'll be staying in a hotel nearby for friday and saturday night. Should be a good time :)

Other than that, work still sucks balls. More stupid last minute decisions. Now I've been labeled insubordinate for being honest and telling someone had they been in the regular status meetings on a project they'd have a better understanding of what's going on with it rather than making us answer stupid questions for an hour to get them up to speed. I'd like to find a new job somewhere down south (akron/canton area). I'm being pulled that direction these days.

Family's doing well, sister's house has been demolished. Construction is due to begin shortly (hopefully before thanksgiving).

That's about it. Anyways, back to waiting for the game and Kendra ;-)

One Red Paperclip

One Red Paperclip

Ran across this blog on another tech blog I read. This guy started with one red paperclip and a plan to trade his way to bigger and better things. So far he's traded the paperclip for a fish pen, which he traded for a knob with a face on it which he traded for a grill which he traded for a generator. Interesting to read, and will be interesting to follow and see what else he can trade for and if he gets hung up anywhere.

wow

wow

where to begin.

umm, yeah. got a txt from Kendra "Will u b my boyfriend?"

I responded with "Have you had too many drinks with dinner or are you for real? ;-)"

then after a half an hour phone conversation it was decided.

I've got a girlfriend.

Took me damn near 30 years, but I've got a girlfriend.

wow. I'm in a daze right now.

Is it saturday yet?

Weekend's over

Let's see, what happened this weekend. Got my hairs cut on saturday. Hung out, played some Quake 4, and then got together with Kendra for dinner and dvds. Had a fabulous time. Met Billy and Mandy. Ate popcorn. Chatted till midnight when I felt like I had to go home or I would never leave. Maybe some night I won't leave.

Sunday, got up and did laundry. played some more Quake 4. Watched a little football. Go browns :-P Went over to Caryn and Joe's and passed out the trick or treat candy. Molly was Cinderella, Will was a nameless guy with a black mask that hid his face, and Ben was a mouseketeer...wait, that's musketeer, I keep mixing that up. Came home, helped mom make some pizza bread (otherwise known as a stromboli). It's very easy and very tasty. just take a roll of prepared pizza crust, the kind that comes in the tube, spread it out, put some sliced ham, some browned sausage, and some pepperoni down the center of the dough, top all that with shredded mozzarella. roll the sides of the dough over the top of your pile of toppings. spread some butter along the top, sprinkle some parmesan cheese and a little more shredded mozzarella. Make sure you seal both ends, then cut about 4 or 5 slides into the dough to let the steam escape. Bake it till brown, then cut it in thick slices. eat and enjoy!

So there you have it! A blog update AND a recipe to boot ;-)

Sick Day Post

I'm home sick today. Not deathly ill like Zak is reportedly, but still ill enough to warrant a sick day in my mind.

So, what's new. still doing the hiking thing. Leaves are starting to change which is nice, but the weather's also changing which isn't quite as nice. 2 out of the last 3 hikes have been done in the pouring rain. hopefully there's another nice sunny but cool saturday coming up for one of the remaining hikes.

I've met someone, her name is Kendra. She's funny, sweet, and a great person to hang out with. And I've only gone out with her once so far, so that's a good start. I don't feel like blogging too much about her for some reason. Maybe cause I feel this one's special and I want to keep most of it to myself for now during these formative stages. Anyways, we talk and txt most every day now, going out again saturday. Can't predict anything, but that's the fun part ;-) All I know is that since saturday I've found it much easier to smile :)

EXCITING NEW POST!!!!!

Friday - I organized bills, and shredded the envelopes and extra crap. Then I watched Firefly (one of the best shows ever to be cancelled) and played some video games.

Saturday - Went hiking in O'Neill woods. No pictures this week because it rained the whole time, didn't want to take the rebel out in it. Afterwards, hung out with S-door, played video games, and ate pizza. Came home and watched the Buckeyes choke against the Nittany Lions

Sunday - Did laundry, cleaned the place a bit. Dad brought the nephews' keyboard from the burned out house, and me, mom and him cleaned it up. Still functions, doesn't smell that much, and is alot cleaner now. Watched the Browns come back and beat the Bears. If we can play for longer stretches of time like we did the last 5 minutes of the game, we're in good shape.

That's it. That's what's happened in the past three days. This is what my life is like. It's full of dull periods like this and really bad times (house fire, familial psych ward visits). So for those of you that complain that I'm not posting enough, that's why. Unless something bad's going on, nothing's going on.

An update in 4 parts

Work Update - Had my annual review at MIS. Got an 18% raise. not what I asked for, but what I expected I would get. Now I think I can safely afford looking for a place.

Family Update - Mom's doign 100% better now. My aunt flew in from mass. and stayed with us this weekend. I used to cry when she would go back to mass. after a visit. Now I really don't care if she shows up or not. She comes in when she feels like it (once every few years or so). My aunt on my dad's side threw a little shower for my sister after the house fire, so that's why she flew in. Anyways, she flies back out again on monday.

Hobby Update - 7 trails down, 1 more to qualify for the hiking staff and badge, 6 more and we'll have the whole sheet completed. Finding some really awesome trails in the metroparks. Firestone and Goodyear Heights were both really nice trails. New Photo Album links are forthcoming

Dating Update - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

It's all so clear now

I've had some luck this year with personal ad sites. I'd heard the commercials for eharmony so I figured what the hell, give it a shot. After the LENGTHY process full of multiple choice questions, I finally got to the end. Clicked the submit button on the last page and was greeted with this.

"eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

...........

so, yeah. I'm not good enough for eharmony ;-) That's GOTTA be why I'm still single at 29 lol Thank you eharmony for making my suckiness so clear ;-)

p.s. before anybody yells at me, no I'm not taking eharmony's response seriously ;-)

p.p.s. Just got an email from them offering me 3 months of their service for $49.99. So they reject me from matching anyone, yet they still will gladly except my money ;-)

New pics

Went hiking yesterday in Furnace Run and Deep Rock Quarry in the Summit MetroParks. Took some pics, they're in my yahoo photo album

An update in four parts.

Family Update - so, let's see. mom went into the psych ward, but is home now and with medication (hopefully) straightned out. I'm still having headaches/pain in my head. going back to the doctor in a week or so if I still have them. I went last week, and he diagnosed them as tension for the time being, which made sense considering what all was going on in my life.

Hobby Update - I've started the Fall Hiking Spree with the 2 other Doors, G-doors mom, and G-door's sister. There's 13 trails in the Summit MetroParks to do and have a parks representative initial a form stating you did it. If you complete 8 of the 13 trails by the end of november you receive a badge and in our cases a hiking staff for being first year hikers. We completed two of the trails last weekend. G-door's mom has the whole thing scheduled out for us which trails we're doing which weekends. Our plan is to do all 13 trails.

I've put more pictures up on my Photo Blog as well.

Work update - I've officially applied for the second Software Architect position. My interview is Tuesday. I still don't know if I'm quite cut out for it, but I'm definately willing to give it a shot. I'm excited about the possibility. I think it'd be a good chance for me to do something other than just coding, and actually take a break from coding for once. It'd also give me some mobility when it comes to the next job. I'll be able to take the skills I learn from Zak as an SA and apply them most anywhere. So, I'm gonna study up on some UML and other things over the weekend, and just go in on Tuesday and tell it like it is. Worst case I keep doing what I'm doing now (ugh).

Dating update - dating scene has dried up. Which surprisingly is bugging me more than normal. This is the first real "drought" since I got back into the dating scene this year. Went years upon years without a date, but not having someone to be working on a relationship with is leaving a bigger hole than I expected it to. Match seems to have dried up for me, same with yahoo. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can find someone to try again with soon.

I'm feeling better and I'm feeling worse

I went to bed last night at about 10:30 pm. I fell asleep around 3:30 am. I thikn I didn't eat enough yesterday, and must've had low blood sugar or something. I woke up this morning, decided not to go to work, and instead went to urgent care. They put me on a saline IV which helped my light-headed, weak feelings. They did blood work and saw I was low on potassium. I came home, got into bed, and was planning on sleeping/resting the rest of the day. Instead I spent the evening back at urgent care. This time with my mom. She was having another anxiety attack and was out of her "nerve pills". Don't ask me to go into details, because I'm not going to. I'm finally sitting down now at 8:30. I hope this is a quiet weekend and that I can sleep. I need to.

two, two, two posts in one night!

Just had a chat with the latest woman I've been seeing. She and I both decided it was best that we stopped seeing each other. Neither of use felt that "it" factor. I'm not upset, really. If I look back at what I've done this year on the dating scene (6 dates with 4 different women) compared to the rest of my dating history (3 dates, 3 different women) I'm proud of myself. I'm trying to get out there and find the woman that I'm looking for. So far I just haven't met her yet. I've met some great women that hopefully I'll keep in touch with as friends. And there will be more dates. I'm kinda starting to get the hang of it. Still no dating expert, that's for sure. But I'm also not freaking out when I go on them either.